Counsellor, I saw a question from a male writer to you recently, which brought back some bad memories that I realised I hadn’t gotten over. The writer said he wanted to have relations with his fiancée before marriage, so as not to be surprised, and I remembered how I fell for the same thing years ago with my ex-fiancé. In my case I gave in several times, got pregnant, and he broke things off as he said we weren’t compatible. It was devastating for me, and a big scandal, especially when he later moved on to marry someone else. I eventually found love and marriage myself, but this letter brought back so many bad feelings. Any man who wants to ‘test’ things out is just a user, and women should beware.

Well, yes, men who actually say that they “want to test things out” are often being over-eager, a bit selfish, and unwise. They’re not perceiving some of the challenges that are often associated with this, challenges like you’ve mentioned, where you’re dealing with hurt and deep disappointments. Thank you for sharing your experience, as painful as it obviously is. I do hope others will read and become better informed about the issue.

Yes, men often just want the pleasure of sex, without calculating the possible costs. However, I wouldn’t broadbrush all men with the “puss in bag” argument to say they’re all “users”. Social norms and prevailing peer pressures add to their dilemma. Some men can attest to pressure they’ve experienced from friends and even family, if they choose to abstain from sex with a fiancée. Comments like, “Unu nuh do nutt’n yet? Yaah ramp!”, are the kind of statements guys may hear.

Also, there’s pressure that can come from the fiancée too. She may make assumptions about the man if he’s not pushing for sex. She may doubt his love, persuasion, health, and true intentions. So, understand the dilemma men often face. Promiscuity is an unfortunate challenge, and the fallout is pretty obvious: people are indeed wrecked emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually. Statistics say that the global average for sexual partners is nine, according to World Population Review.

Dr Myles Munroe once commented that the sex drive is the most powerful driver in the human body. If you’re an adult, you know that there’s something to his point. The sex drive has often compelled people to do very unwise things. We can consider the cases of Jeffrey Epstein, Harvey Weinstein, etc. And many local cases too. The sex drive can bring great joy, and also tremendous sorrow. It is something to be managed well! And this is the point — use both head and heart when you’re in a romantic relationship. Manage your risks even there. Consider all things!

It’s because of poor management of sexual desire that there are challenges with sexually transmitted diseases, sexual abuse, abortions, sexual harassment, etc. The Apostle Paul wrote, “For I don’t understand what I am doing. For I do not do what I want – instead, I do what I hate.” (Romans 7:15 – NET) It means there are struggles people will face, but managing our desires must be learnt. He later says in verse 25, “Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ”, who helps him to manage his desires. And that’s the help everyone needs. Paul gained additional conviction and strength so as not to lose all control!

I suggest that you forgive your ex. Turn the tale! Find the silver lining in the experience. You have your child, and you’re wiser now. You also have the privilege and power to manage your own desires and emotions again. So now, manage it in such a way as to forgive him, and enjoy the life you now have. Feel free to reach out if you need assistance. My sessions are done online, so it’s quite convenient. I pray for your healing and freedom.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.