Since my dear soul

Was mistress of her choice

And could of men distinguish her election

Sh’ath sealed thee for herself.

— Shakespeare

I must have been mistaken when I first saw that quote above, for I could have sworn that I saw the words mistress, choice, and erection, but clearly I was mistaken with that last word. It just goes to show the power of subliminal seduction, as the eyes see but the brain deciphers what it wants to see.

Nevertheless, many women, if not most, tend to spend most of their adult lives making choices when it comes to men. Oh yes, they may not admit it openly and freely, and will even deny it vehemently, but women are always choosing, selecting, picking, making a check list when it comes to men.

This was brought even more to my attention recently by a young lady, well, not so young but still marketable, who’s been on the hunt for a male companion for some time now. She just came out of a bad relationship and now spends her waking days and sleepless nights praying for the Lord to provide her with a man to fill her life and desires and make her happy for many years to come.

“The Lord has someone in store for me, and I know that He’ll provide the right man to bring me happiness and joy.”

But guess what? That request comes with conditions, for that man can’t be just any man — he has to fulfil a list of conditions that suit her. Now, where have I heard that before, women wishing for the perfect man to complete their lives? But it is said that the Lord helps those who help themselves, so even though she may pray for the right man to come along, she also has a list of conditions that have to be fulfilled.

And he cannot be just any yub yub, dibby dibby, ordinary dude, he has to possess certain admirable qualities. The Lord may have quite a task on His hands.

So, in effect, she has a checklist, many boxes that she must tick, or it’s no go for that man.

Her check list, that’s where we’ll go today, right after these responses to my take on ‘Process of elimination’.

Brother Tony,

Thank you so much for reminding us about the process of elimination. Everything is destined to be final. Yes, it is what it is. I, myself, have to truly grasp at this natural phenomenon, so apart from being brave and courageous, we should love more, be compassionate, and just be happy if you can.

Paulette

Hey Teerob,

Everything is for a time and nothing lasts forever, even nature has its seasons. Anyone who thinks otherwise is in for a rude awakening. They think that the world belongs to them and that their lives are etched in stone or runs like the eternal clock of perpetual motion. But one day the clock will stop ticking, the gas runs out, and the party’s over as they are eliminated and relegated to a footnote in time.

Ethan

I can never understand why some women place so many stipulations and conditions when it comes to choosing a ‘suitable’ partner, and I always ask the question, “After you demand so much from the type of man who you want, what do you bring to the table?”

Most cannot provide me with a suitable answer, even as they take out their pen and paper to make a checklist.

Even if she’s a big, fat mampy with nothing to offer, she still has a long list of conditions when it comes to finding the right man for her.

Top of the list is ‘means’. Yes, he has to be a man of means for, as they point out, they have no intention of struggling through life to make ends meet with any man. Naturally, many women will deny this, but when put to the test they will admit that it’s a very important factor on that very lengthy list that she has compiled.

“Listen, I want to live somewhere nice, drive a decent car, and send my children to a top school.”

So that box is ticked, and any man who does not fit those criteria is struck off, sometimes even from the moment she sees his car or the shoes that he wears. Then there’s also the aspect of hygiene, for the lady who I spoke to is more than just a neat freak, she’s obsessed with cleanliness and a fanatic when it comes to having a neat and tidy house.

She went as far as to stipulate that if and when she finds a man, or the Lord delivers one to her, they would have to have separate bathrooms.

“I just can’t stand it when a man tinkles and splashes all over the place, or leaves dried up toothpaste in the face basin.”

It didn’t stop there, for she also hates it when a man sweats too much, so when it comes to lovemaking she’d really prefer a man who does not sweat profusely and have it drip all over her body. I kid you not, and I’m not making this up, but truth is indeed stranger than fiction and her check list stretches the imagination.

But life can be ironic for, in contrast, I have known women who prefer the opposite, and actually love it when a man is all sweaty and swarthy when they get down to business. But checklists do vary and come in all forms. They say that the Lord made the world in seven days, but He’s still trying to find the suitable man for all the women therein.

Those fastidious women are the same ones who eventually prefer that they and their spouses have separate bedrooms. The very first time that I learnt of married couples having separate bedrooms was when I was a teenager. It surprised me then, for the concept was alien to me as we grew up seeing our parents sharing a little double bed for as long as we knew.

But it does happen, and there are women who actually have it on their checklist when they are seeking a suitable mate. They may not actually tick that box up front, before things get serious, but you can be assured that stipulation is there — and it’s only a matter of time before those conditions are applied.

Here’s another box that was ticked on her checklist: No marathon sex. Yes, yes, yes, believe it or not, there are women who are not into those long bouts of lovemaking, and much prefer if the session lasts less than seven minutes. I use that number because I saw an interview with a group of ladies who actually expressed that. I recall a supermodel identifying that number: “After seven minutes I’m done, so he better stop and get off.”

Wow! And there I was thinking that longer was better and more was ideal. When I think back at all the time I spent trying to stay long in the saddle when I would have been better served with less time and effort. It was a wise man who told me years ago, “Son, it’s not how long you make it, but how you make it long.” So all those guys who are using those concoctions to ‘tan pon it long’, such as stallion and such, there is the factor of diminishing returns as after a certain time the effects are less enjoyable.

There are women who have expressed, “I’m not into that sort of long duration, acrobatic, Energiser bunny-half marathon workout — I have work the next day.” So any man who’s into that sort of activity will definitely not be on her checklist but will be struck off.

But most Jamaican men will not buy that, so it’s marathon time and death before dishonour. Bear in mind, though, that’s just how some women think, not all. For as the recording by Macka Diamond goes, “Baby, yu finish already? Yuh mean fi tell me seh yuh really stop already? Di steam fish inna yu back dun already?” I guess different strokes for different folks, and I mean that literally.

The list goes on, and the boxes will be checked. The man must not be jealous, must allow her freedom and independence, must cater to her needs, and love her unconditionally. For the last one, I suggested that she get a dog.

It’s so amazing how women have so many stipulations and ideals when it comes to their choices for the ideal man. The man who they want, or who God sends to them, must fulfil all those conditions as she ticks all the boxes on her checklist.

But again, I ask the question, could she fulfil any such list if a man presented it to her? Could she tick all those boxes? And if she did find that man, what would she bring to the table to fulfil his needs and desires?

Surely it can’t be just pretty looks and sex, for pretty women are a dime a dozen, and sex is not so difficult to get. So while that lady who spoke to me, and all those other ones who are making out their checklist of all the boxes for the ideal man who has to fulfil their wants, could they meet all those conditions? Is there a checklist for them?

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Football is in the air, and I must comment on the retirement of veteran coach Neville Bertis Bell from his role as head coach of St George’s College. This is a huge blow to their football programme as Neville has had an exemplary career with that school, his alma mater, spanning decades and guiding them to numerous trophies. He is undoubtedly the most successful schoolboy football coach in Jamaica.

Apart from that, Neville is truly a wonderful human being, humble and caring, abilities that he passes on to his young charges. He is always gracious in defeat and humble in victory, never boasting, never making excuses, but accepting the outcome of every encounter. I have known Neville from our childhood football days in Harbour View where we would ‘kick ball’ in the park there. He is a prime example of what a schoolboy football coach should be. He will be missed.