King embarrassed by his queen
DEAR COUNSELLOR,
I’ve noted the debate about Keke Palmer’s ex, and how people have been harassing the man for speaking the truth. I’m in a similar situation where my ‘woke’ wife insists on not acting like a wife with her dressing, and embarrassing me. I have spoken to her on several occasions, but she won’t stop dressing like she’s selling something, and is even inappropriate when she goes to our kids’ school, and even at church. Which king would want his queen in a see-through dress for everybody to ogle? I’m not insecure, but I believe in time and place, and I don’t understand why when a woman gets to a certain level — as a wife and mother — she can’t be modest and decent, and a man can’t request that, without society thinking that he’s trying to rule her.
Okay, so you are embarrassed by your wife’s dressing when she’s out in public. And you don’t understand why modesty doesn’t often come with maturity. Well, it’s okay to have your desires, standards and opinions about what you like for your partner. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting your partner to dress prudently in public. Yes, how she dresses will have an impact on what your children think of her, how they’ll dress, and possibly what comments they’ll have to respond to from their friends. Modesty is a reflection of maturity — though modesty is subjective.
The situation here is that you can’t control her choices. She’s an adult, and you’re indeed powerless to control her decisions. You have the right to try to influence her decisions, but you can’t control them. To attempt to control her would be tantamount to abusing her, and that’s never acceptable. And, similarly, she can’t control your decisions — and she must bear that in mind too, or risk losing you. And since you’ve mentioned it, that’s Keke Palmer’s baby’s father’s prerogative too — everyone should stand by their standards. Respectfully so, though.
However, you should understand that some women want to feel sexy and attractive especially after having children. Risqué dressing can at times be an effort to feel good about themselves, and not necessarily to cheat. Women often dress for comments from other women, their friends, their peers, and not necessarily to attract other men. It may be akin to a man going through mid-life crisis, buying a flashy sports car, and donning more youthful outfits and haircuts. But don’t disrespect and insult her. Try to fully understand what she may be going through. Also remember that “acting like a wife with her dressing”, that’s subjective also.
Here’s my advice:
Speak to her again: Be more strategic this time. Take her out for a date or for a weekend away. Reassure her of your love and adoration. Shower her with words of affirmation, and confirm to her that she’s attractive and appealing to you. At the right time let her know that because she’s already so attractive, you’re concerned that her dressing the way she is will force her to fend off many unwanted advances. And you couldn’t stand the thought of anyone disrespecting her, or your children’s friends saying negative things about her. Mention to her that you don’t want to lose her, but her choice of dress is putting unnecessary pressure on the relationship. Make it clear that you know that the choice will always be hers, and that you respect that and you’d never want to seem controlling. Let her know though that what she’s choosing is really hurting you and could hurt the kids.
Get a counsellor: If there is no change after your outing and the chat, book a session with a counsellor and see if she’d join you at the session. You can always reach out to me at www.counsellorscouch.com.
I pray that you will be fortunate enough to restore a happy family life.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
