Mama’s boy living in misery
COUNSELLOR, My mother rejected the first woman I was serious about, and chose instead another young woman who she said was more suitable, and who she said I was more compatible with. She said because the first woman had a child, we were not a good match. She raised me by herself and she is a leader at our church, so I followed her guidance. I got married five years ago, and so did my ex, two years ago. My ex is flourishing in her marriage, has another child, and is pregnant again. She is happy and she glows. In the meantime, I am absolutely miserable, as this woman my mother chose is terrible in all aspects. She is a bad wife to me, questionable parent, and not what I envisioned for my life at all. I told my mother, and she admitted that she may have made a mistake, but said I have to stick by my wife until death. Am I doomed to a life of misery?
You followed your mother’s advice regarding who you chose to marry, and you’re presently not happy in your relationship. Understood. Typically, it is good to have your parents’ blessing on your choice for a partner. Yet there are times when their own bias can come into play. They might refuse to support someone because of their own personal baggage, which might have happened in your case. Your mum’s probable issues influenced her choice for you. You possibly chose a wife based on your mother’s trauma — because having a child shouldn’t immediately disqualify anyone.
While honouring your mother is right, submitting to her as she struggled with personal issues was not smart. If a parent is being petty, spiteful, envious, superstitious, etc, you should be on alert. Parents often have more wisdom, and more experience, but they don’t always get things right, as you are realising. However, that is all water under the bridge for you. You have a wife and a child/ children. Take responsibility for your choices now. Be systematic and strategic about doing right by your family.
Put Ms Ex out of your mind. You may just be seeing the grass as greener on the other side. Chances are Ms Ex and her partner are working hard to make smart choices for their own home. Every marriage requires that kind of work. That’s what you must do now. Demonstrate that you were a “good choice” for your Mrs by being willing to do what’s necessary to salvage things. Demonstrate smart choices now! You’ve said, “she is a bad wife”. That requires more explanation.
Unfortunately, you have probably had a burden laid on your marriage from the get-go — the burden of constant comparison and constant second-guessing. And I can only guess what other burdens you’re both under. What part is your mother presently playing in your life and marriage? Be very smart about that!
No, you are not doomed, once you can make mature choices for yourself. Consider giving your wife a chance — resurrections tend to bring great glory and make a great story. Consider getting more help for your relationship by attending our April 25th seminar “Just for us”, at Hope Auditorium, 23 Molynes Road, Kingston. Start time: 9:00 am. The cost is minimal, but the content and giveaways will be memorable. Message directly at 876-367-4647 or e-mail Chrisbrodber@yahoo.com to register. Registration closes Wednesday, April 22.
Only “throw the towel” in if you really feel at risk psychologically. You certainly do deserve to experience fulfilment from your relationship. Yet that only happens through mutual commitment to practical, daily steps. As I say — HAPPILY EVER AFTER only happens ONE DAY AT A TIME. Allow us to assist, join our session on April 25th. Or you can also book a private session with me.
Your mother probably thought she was helping at the time. However, it’s now time to take charge of your own life through wise choices. And I pray that the rest of your lives will be the best of your lives.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
