I opened my marriage. Now my wife won’t give up her younger man
Dear Counsellor, I went to my wife a few months ago and said we should open our relationship, as when we got together, we agreed that we both were non-traditional people. We’ve been married nine years, and this is the first experiment with anyone outside the marriage. Anyway, she was all for it, and we both started situationships with other people. No intimacy, just a sort of ‘dating’ without strings. The problem is, I realised after a few weeks that I didn’t want this type of life after all, and cut the woman off. My wife, however, is unwilling to do the same with her younger man. She seems quite taken with the new fellow, and says the ‘relationship’ she has with him is good for her mental health. They do various activities together, and it is like she has found her groove again. She REFUSES to end it with him, and I’m stuck looking like a buzz killer. What can I do, before she falls in love?
You requested to have a non-traditional marriage, where your wife and yourself could freely have relationships with other people. And you’re now concerned because your wife is actively seeing someone else. Understood. There is not much you can do at this point apart from praying and turning your game way up, and simply hope she finds her way back to you and you alone.
You have dabbled into something that stains and stings. An open marriage situation is non-traditional for a reason. Putting this genie back in the bottle isn’t easy. The “demon” of infidelity will not easily go away. When you experience something it cannot be un-experienced (barring divine intervention). As it’s said, don’t play with fire! Fire can spread and consume what it wasn’t intended to, so too can these “situationships”. They can bring problems beyond your expectations. Now you know!
It’s all well and good to be creative and adventurous in your marriage. But only venture into what is sensible and safe! If you own a sports car, you still have to abide by the traffic law. Have fun responsibly! Have fun prudently! Have fun sensibly! Why would you think that a “situationship” might be helpful?! After nine years of marriage, you should have known that sustaining one meaningful relationship is already complex and complicated.
The Bible, offering wisdom, says in Hebrews 13:4 (New English Translation) “Marriage must be honoured among all and the marriage bed kept undefiled, for God will judge sexually immoral people and adulterers.” Marriage, and the marital bed, must be protected. Marriage should be seen as sacred. By the way, let me say here, sexual intimacy itself is the singularly most powerful exercise a couple can perform to create bonding and oneness. It separates friends from lovers. It literally makes “two become one”. You put yourselves at risk. The fallout from tampering with the dynamics of “exclusivity” in your marriage will cause serious chaos.
I advise you to go to your wife and humbly apologise to her. Whether she is inclined to stop seeing this fellow or not, you owe her a deep sincere apology. You should have protected her from emotional chaos, but instead you invited her into it. Go to her and promise her the world again and do your best to show her you mean to honour her like never before. It may take some time to make any in-roads with her, but keep trying. Let her remember why she chose you in the first place. You have much work to do!
As a minister of religion I also encourage prayer: Pray for forgiveness, for both of you. Pray that she might see the light and realise that she can pursue happiness creatively and passionately, with you and you alone. And I pray that you both might somehow be restored, and that the rest of your lives will yet be the best of your lives.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
