Tricked into adultery

COUNSELLOR, I met this woman while doing some work in her community three years ago. After a year of dating I moved into her house, and took on the role of stepdad to her two teenaged children. I did all the things that a man would do around the house, including doing construction for her for free. She told me she was a widow. Fast forward to last month, she told me that I had to move out for a brief period, as her husband was coming back to Jamaica. All the shocks hit me at once, because she said this man was dead. She said he was “dead to her”, not literally dead. Anyway, she said that when he leaves we can resume as usual. Her kids are not his, and she said they only have a business marriage. Am I being taken for a fool?

You started a relationship with a mother of two, who has now asked you to leave for a while so that she can accommodate her husband being back. And you want to know if you’re being taken for a fool. Understood. If your Spiderman senses are tripping, then pay attention. If you feel uncomfortable about the entire situation, pay attention. You have the signals and flags letting you know that yes, something is very wrong here. Maybe get out the way!

There’s an interesting situation mentioned in the Bible that I’ll share with you: A married woman, whose husband is away, says to a man, “The goodman is not at home, he is gone a long journey”. It says, “With her much fair speech she caused him to yield, with the flattering of her lips she forced him”. He goes into her house and later lands in trouble. The scripture warns men about adultery and immorality: “Let not thine heart decline to her ways, go not astray in her paths” (Proverbs 7:19, 21, 25 – KJV). If she’s married, stay away!

The writing is on the wall, there’s nothing much to pursue there. You were dating a married woman who is still interested in her husband. Her husband (business marriage or not) is apparently a priority for her. Now you know! It seems you’ve been a convenience for her, but not a priority. She may have wanted some help and companionship in the temporary absence of her husband. Now you know.

You’ve worked on the house, and you’ve been a father figure to her children. You’ve helped them immeasurably. That’s your kindness. It isn’t important to contemplate whether you are being “taken for a fool” or not. You now have the information you need to make an important decision. Now choose what future you want for yourself. Plan a future where you have stability and where you have someone who is committed to you.

REV CHRIS BRODBER.

I’m sure it’s painful but try not to be bitter. Don’t get too heated. She’s lost your valuable support and skills, she will realise. If for some reason you think that she should be afforded another opportunity, consider giving her a strong ultimatum: If she wants you, she has to choose you, and make you her priority. She’s also not setting the best example for the children. But you can still consider being available to them. The folly isn’t theirs.

I understand you will be very disappointed and hurt. However, you have gotten information and you now can make better long-term plans. So be settled. Be calm. Use the situation as a learning experience. Seek to settle down and invest with someone you have made a public commitment to, someone who’s made a similar commitment to you. And do the necessary background checks to ensure you both are a match. Get the necessary counselling before you make any long-term commitment. Do as 1 Corinthians 7:2 says, get yourself your own wife. And I pray that the rest of your life will be the best of your life.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.