‘I don’t have it’
A man can use one simple line to get out of fatherhood, deciding that he simply “doesn’t have it”. And nobody bats an eye. He doesn’t have the money at this time. He’s not working. He can’t do much more than what he’s doing now. And no, the kids can’t come stay with him.
He can say he is not ready. He can say fatherhood is not for him. He can leave the relationship. He can start over somewhere else. He can convince himself that he will contribute what he can when the child is older, and move on with his life.
A woman does not have that same luxury. She can be overwhelmed. She can regret becoming a mother. She can wish she had more time, more money or more support. But the baby still needs to be fed. The bills still have to be paid. Motherhood does not come with an exit door.
That is not to say that every father who struggles is a bad man. Men can be frightened, financially overwhelmed, emotionally unprepared or simply incapable of being the father they imagined they would be. But there is a difference between struggling with fatherhood and walking away from it. And too often, society makes that distinction easier for men than it does for women.
When a man says, “I don’t have it”, people may shake their heads and call him irresponsible. But eventually, life moves on for him. When a mother says the same thing, there is no moving on. She still has to figure out how to pay for food, childcare, school, transportation and everything else that comes with raising another human being.
This is one of the realities behind the conversation about declining birth rates and the rising cost of motherhood. We can ask women to have more children. We can talk about the importance of families and the future of Jamaica. But we also have to talk honestly about what happens when the father decides he doesn’t want the responsibility.
A child cannot be abandoned simply because one parent decides, “I don’t have it”. And when that parent is the father, too often the person left holding the responsibility is the mother. He may be able to walk away from fatherhood, but she has to live with motherhood.
Jevaughnie Smith is a communications professional. Send feedback to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
