Should I plan the wedding myself?
Counsellor, I have been living with my partner for six years. Each time I tell him that I want more or else I’ll leave, he proposes with a cheap ring, then ends the discussion. We never get to the marriage stage, it’s like he takes me for a fool and thinks a ring will quiet me, then the cycle continues. I am 26 years old and need a different life than this. But all I have accumulated is three rings, and a man who has cold feet. Should I just plan the wedding myself?
You’ve been living with your partner for six years, and you want to get married. Understood. Please know that people tend not to pay for what they can get for free. The average person will take what is free and run with it. If the benefits that come with marriage are being derived for “free”, why would he be in a rush to “put a ring on it”?! If you moved in with your partner and you have been there for six years, you are at risk. Yes, you certainly do need to lay down an ultimatum. Decisions must be made.
You are, however, trying to get the one who has got “everything” from the “shop” for free to come back in and “pay” something. How many people would do that? “We gave you the goods cost-free. But we thought about it, and we’d like for you to come pay something now.” “We’d like you to take some responsibility for what you’ve gotten.” What’s the likely response? “Wait, ah suh?! I hear you… Soon come.” Then excuses and lots of creative promises. Isn’t that what you have described? He’s giving very creative promises.
Governments realise that couples get caught in this quagmire and have written laws to provide some protection, especially to benefit women. They’ve had to respond to the situation because of the frequency and the vulnerability of women in your situation. A relationship of 10 years could end, and a woman, with three children could easily find herself and her children out of shelter and out of financial support. This has serious implications for their future.
There is prudence in the laws created to protect women who give up those “wife-type” benefits to men for “free” for years. Note: The demographic of people in the world who are living in the most extreme poverty is children under 18 years old (primarily living in rural sub-Saharan Africa). But black women, who are single mothers, make up the next most poverty-stricken group. Data from the United Nations show that women aged 25-34 are significantly more likely to live in extreme poverty. So, as is said, “Tek sleep mark death” — pay attention to the facts.
Marriage offers the best form of protection for a serious relationship. It is not foolproof, but “shacking up” makes you more vulnerable. Common-law protection of individuals living together does not cover emotional security, real psychological support, nor, and I must add, a spiritual covering. The Lord, seeking to provide the best covering for couples and their children, says in the
Bible, (1 Corinthians 7:2) “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband”. So, you are absolutely correct to insist on marriage for the future of the relationship.
Find a way to make the message very clear to your mister — “I realise you’ve had the goods for free. But now it’s time to step up and become responsible, or else.” The onus is really on you to protect yourself so that you do not join the demographic. I pray that both of you will act responsibly and with wisdom so that the rest of your lives can be the best of your lives.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
