Single father loading…
Counsellor, I was a teen mom who had two children — twins — before my current relationship. Both older kids just graduated high school and will be migrating. I have a newborn with my current partner, and he is cheating. In fact, he has cheated right throughout the relationship, and it was when I was preparing to leave, that I became pregnant. I couldn’t understand it, but he later admitted that he interfered with our birth control. His intention was to trap me. I am just 34 and don’t want to parent with this man, and be trapped here, just because I have his child. Would I be awful for being the one to leave, and make him a single father?
Your partner who’s been cheating on you tampered with your birth control method to make you pregnant. You have since had the child. And you are wondering if you’d be seen as awful if you left the relationship. There really is not much of a relationship if you can’t trust your partner. It seems you won’t be able to trust him much going forward. Whether from the cheating or his interfering with the contraceptive, how will you have any confidence in him? And if he tampered with your birth control, what else might he deviously do?
A child is not reason enough to stay in a broken relationship. It is always good to consider the well-being of your baby and the two-parent dynamic, yes. But while we can acknowledge the statistics which do reveal that a child raised in a two-parent home has a much better chance of a healthy, successful and satisfying life, it is also true that a child raised in a safe, loving, single-parent home will most often do better than a child raised in a hostile and continuously contentious home.
I am a proponent of people in relationships seeking help to sort out their challenges. And throwing in the towel at the first sign of trouble is never my recommendation. However, there is prudence in taking into account what Maya Angelou wisely said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” That’s an important statement! It highlights the need to observe people’s behaviour as a most reliable indicator of their true nature. Patterns of behaviour do matter!
Maya Angelou’s statement is quite popular because it has served as a caution against accepting, rationalising or excusing harmful actions. Disrespect, cheating, lying and abuse must be weighed seriously. Repeated patterns often reveal a person’s values, intentions and priorities. Cheating and tampering with the contraceptive are not patterns to lightly ignore. It paints a picture of his values and priorities. Be careful not to condone chaos!
You had already judged that his character warranted your departure. Having a baby now doesn’t automatically change his character. Whatever you had realised that clued you in regarding the need to leave not only remains, but seems justified. If he has indeed been cheating, chances are having a baby won’t stop that being repeated. You’re 34 — still young — so consider your future wisely. Use up your support mechanisms — parents, family, etc. It’s quite difficult for you to be truly “trapped” in our region of the world. Who do you have around you that can offer you support?
Why would you ask if you’d be “awful” for leaving? Not at all! Certainly, be very practical and intentional about defending your health, your future, and now your child. Make a solid plan to protect and provide for yourself and your child. You may also need to consult a lawyer. It’s unfortunate that what often starts out as love and pleasure can descend into distress and pain. It’s why honesty, discipline, mutual respect and mutual accountability are so important when forming a relationship. I pray that by God’s grace the rest of your life will yet be the best of your life.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
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