I am a victim of rape, but I survived

O’Brien Dennis is 25-years old. He has never been to prison, but he has been raped three times.

“You weren’t raped. You were buggered. A man can’t get raped. You don’t have a vagina,” the policeman told him.

It’s a woman’s worst nightmare. Some people are unsympathetic to female rape victims, sometimes even blaming them. At least women have resources to help cope with rape.

But where does a boy or man go when he is raped? Who does he turn to? It seems men get no sympathy at all when they are raped. Added to that is disbelief and ridicule.

“Notten nuh go so,” said a male to whom I tried to give an account of my interview with O’Brien Dennis. “Rape which part? A b_ _ _ _ boy dat. Him did want it. Nuh man nah go mek another man hold him down.” He adamantly refused to see it any other way.

This is typical of society’s response to the rape of men. But O’Brien Dennis is used to it. Society’s attitude, he said, creates a vicious cycle, which permits the rape of men and boys to happen much more often than people know. No one believes it. No one wants to address it. And while society turns away from it, it destroys lives.

That is why O’Brien has written about his ordeal. His book is called The Cries of Men – Voices of Jamaican Men Who Have Been Raped & Sexually Abused. It was published in the United States by iUniverse, Inc.

“I’ve always been private. I decided to write my story because I wanted a book out there that could relate to black men especially Caribbean men.”

O’Brien wants Jamaicans to know that the anti-gay rhetoric, which is strong here, is not what it appears to be and it is doing harm. “In this society there is so much scrutiny that a man is put under when he comes forward with a rape complaint. We need to ensure that the kids are protected first. Most kids assume it’s their fault and will grow up with that mindset.”

O’Brien was born in Westmoreland. He lived in August Town for a short while, where at age five a teenaged acquaintance sexually abused him. His grandmother took him back to Westmoreland. But when he was 14, a neighbour, whom he had trusted, also sexually abused him.

According to him, he had been a poor mathematics student and his 21-year-old neighbour offered to help him with schoolwork. O’Brien grew attached to the man, seeing him as a substitute for the love and attention he lacked at home. But the man asked him for sex and eventually forced himself on young O’Brien.

He said he felt obligated to the man so he gave in to the sexual abuse. It continued for a while even though the man had a girlfriend. “I was an alcoholic from age 16 to 19,” O’Brien says of his coping strategy. “I had asked the guy if he was going to leave his girlfriend for me. He said no. He rejected me. I really wanted to run away.”

His grandmother told him that education was the only way to escape poverty. So despite the abuse he applied himself at school. “Going to Mannings High School were my two best years. I had girlfriends and I did well in school.

But I did exams drunk,” O’Brien said. He is angry though that the man he trusted took advantage of him. He found out later that the man was still abusing boys, although he still had a girlfriend.

But that was not the end of the victimisation. “I went to University (in Jamaica) and was living on Hall.

I met a guy there but he and another man held me down and raped me. If I had something to hang myself with I would have.” He somehow managed to graduate with a degree in African Studies and International Relations.

Sexual abuse has left him feeling guilty and angry. “I hated gay men when I was growing up. Out of guilt and anger I lashed out against gay men so I could punish somebody – trying to get over what happened to me.” Out of guilt he got baptised at age 9. “I felt that God could save me. I would cry at altar calls.

The church was comforting but the doctrine was messed up. If you come out and confessed, the church denounced you and kicked you out. If there is a pill, I could take to make me not gay I would take it.”

According to O’Brien, sexual abuse of men has a ripple effect – a side effect of which is promiscuity. Male victims need to convince themselves they are not gay. Out of anger and his need to control his life he became promiscuous. “I had a lot of sex with men and women. I felt guilty about it because I knew I was just using them,” he said.

“The whole rude boy culture is a fraud. Rude boys dress well and have more girls, but the whole thing is just a façade.” O’Brien says. He loves the song “Bum bye bye in a b_ _ _ _ boy head” by Buju Banton.

According to him, lashing out against homosexuals is “more a reflection of who you are and who you can’t be. Every gay man I know like this song. Gay bashers are more in denial than anything. Most of them are just doing it to cover up their own feelings.”

Sexual abuse of men is rampant in free society. This is not a prison phenomenon, he argues while reflecting on his university days.

“A lot of men on campus get raped also. It was a power play. If a man had lots of girls then this could cause jealousy. There are tons of men who get raped during the campus ‘drink ups’. Ninety percent of the rapes are committed by men who say they are heterosexuals,” he says while arguing that raping of men isn’t always a gay thing.

O’Brien feels that society’s attitudes not the laws need to be changed. “It makes no sense to change the buggery laws. If you have no avenues to deal with sexual abuse of men, then people will continue to abuse boys. When you sexually abuse a child you mess him up.”

When asked about his own sexual orientation he says, “I’m never into labels. I don’t think of myself as gay or bisexual or whatever. I’m just who I am. I’ve been with girls as well as men. I tell the girls that I also have sex with men. But I’m not with a man or woman for sex. It’s more emotional.”

“Homosexuality will never stop,” O’Brien says. What percentage of the population does he think are homosexuals? “A lot,” he responds emphatically. “A lot more than people think.”

He had hidden that side of him well. At a high school reunion in New York, no one believed he was gay. The girls now started to question their husbands. A former girlfriend’s husband is gay but he (O’Brien) cannot tell her for fear of being the bearer of bad news. But he thinks she suspects something.

“Women have instincts, which are stronger than men’s and 9 out of 10 times her instincts are right,” O’Brien says. “Always make sure that you are protected. It’s the woman’s responsibility to ensure that she is protected. Many times the man knows what he is doing, so he starts to use condoms with his girlfriend.

But the girlfriend starts to question this so the man backs off. There is a lot of responsibility that the woman has to protect herself.”

According to him, there are many homosexual or bisexual men who have invested their lives in a home and family. But these men cannot go to their women and confess because the women will strip them of everything, including affection and understanding. His own girlfriend never spoke to him for a year because she felt it was her fault.

In 2002 someone tried to blackmail O’Brien -forcing him to tell his family. His sister was angry with his grandmother for knowing what happened to him but not doing anything.

But the hard part was telling his mother. He never had the best relationship with her. She was a higgler who also worked with the government. She loved her job and travelled often.

According to O’Brien, his mother would give him and his sister toys and trips but not love and attention. It was not easy to communicate with her. When he told her what had happened she said he must have enjoyed it for it to happen the second time without him saying anything. This hurt him.

“My mother was just like a log. I would rather her giving me a hug than all the toys. She was never around during the important times like Common Entrance and CXC. I passed six subjects but all she wanted to know is why I never got higher grades.

I got my first degree and she does not even know in what. Yet she goes around saying she put me through school. I foot my own school bills.”

These days his mother has accepted him as homosexual and despite his conflicts with her, he recognises some of her in himself. He describes her as somewhat boisterous. He can be as well. His mother likes to dress up, shop and party. So does he.

And his father? He came into his life when O’Brien was about 21. His father has eleven other children that O’Brien is aware of. When O’Brien told him about his life of sexual abuse, his father told him he was sorry for his absence over the years. They have made peace and now have a cordial relationship.

But O’Brien has a special plea for parents. “When a child comes to you and says, so and so touched him, you need to take him seriously.”

“I’ve dealt with all my major issues now.” Scared for most of his life and full of guilt, he went into therapy. O’Brien had been keeping journals since he was 16. It was these journals that supplied the information for his book.

“Crying has always been my greatest strength. Crying doesn’t make me a weakling. If men don’t let the anger out it’s going to come out in other ways,” O’Brien says. “It’s hard to be a man because society places so much burden and expectations on you.

Unless a woman appreciates the simplicity within a man, even his weaknesses, that’s the only way we can bridge the gender gap.”

He has been living in the United States for the past four years. He has invested US$20,000 to promote his first book “The Cries of Men,” which was written from a child’s perspective.

He had given up a secure job and an apartment to write it. O’Brien says he lost friends when his book was published, but he has no regrets. Writing has been a cathartic experience for him.

Through writing he finally found peace and the self-acceptance he sought all his life. “Living someone else’s dreams will put you in denial and depress you for years without end. I am happier now than I have ever been.”

He is forming a “not for profit” organisation for men who have been abused. He expects this to get off the ground by November or December this year pending legal documentation.

He plans to give 10 per cent of his earnings from his books to his organisation.

O’Brien is currently not involved with anyone, and he is OK with that. But he plans to have children in another two years.

In the meantime he is busy working on a follow-up book called “Responses to the Cries.” He is also trying to get an accurate picture about the rate of male abuse in Jamaica. His second book will be published next year.

O’Brien has absolute faith in the power of education to change lives. He intends to further his by working for a master’s degree in Public Health Administration.

His inspiration, he says, was Oprah Winfrey whose history is also one of sexual abuse. Like Oprah he is also not afraid to speak out. “The whole homophobia thing prevents men from talking about rape,” O’Brien concludes. But that will never stop him.

“I want men and women who have been raped to know that it is not their fault.” He wants sexually abused men to know that they can overcome just like he had. “I am a victim and I have survived.”