I slept with a knife under my pillow…

It’s something mothers often warn their daughters about – getting involved with members of the security forces. We’ve all heard the warnings – marry a policeman or soldier, and not only can you prepare for early widowhood, but get ready to have them act out their frustrations on you.

Experts warn that added to the normal stresses and strains of everyday life, members of the security forces are often faced with additional job pressures – regular and consistent contact with dead bodies some in extreme decomposition; shoot-outs, being shot at, sometimes even being shot; and seeing a colleague shot and killed creates mountains of pressure.

Pressures that can build up over time if not addressed.

And when things reach boiling point, many women come to realise that a partnership with one of these men often carries with it fear and unhappiness – even to the point of death.

Just last month, Rosemarie Grey learned this lesson the hard way when she became the third casualty for the year, after being killed by her police sergeant boyfriend in the driveway of her son’s school.

In October a police constable in Spanish Town killed his girlfriend and then himself and the same happened with another cop in February.

Police statistics show that between September 2005 and November this year, three women were killed by their security spouses because of relationships gone sour.

For others, no statistics will ever tell of the fear and unhappiness that they live with on a daily basis.

“I used to sleep with a knife under my pillow,” a woman who has been married to a policeman for 10 years told all woman. “It was after a year of him entering the police force (seven years ago).

He became very abusive physically. I did not fight back because he was much stronger than I am and somehow I felt if I did, he would kill me. In fact, my pastor started counselling us and my husband told me bluntly that if he was allowed to take home a gun he would have killed me,” she said.

She said only a month earlier he was forced to hand over his weapon because he had violated a station rule.

Now, she feels it is only a matter of time before he kills her and then himself.

“He has told me many times that if I leave he is going to kill me. I can guarantee you, he is serious,” she said.

Boiling point

The abuses over the years were many, to the point where she can’t recall them all. But two stood out. One was when she was a few months pregnant and he beat her until she began spitting blood. She said she could not recall why.

The other time was Valentines Day, three years ago, when he knocked her to the ground, beat her and chased her with a screwdriver in hand, She spent three days away from home. He later confessed that he was stressed and had reached breaking point.

“I reported it twice. And both times it amounted to nothing. In fact, both times I was made to look like the perpetrator. One time even though I gave statement and asked that he be arrested, senior officers felt it would be in our best interest to counsel us and send us home,” she said. “He has not done it since, but I feel he will break at any point and I’ll be dead.”

She explained that the abuse though not physical, still continues. She is constantly accused of cheating, she is not allowed to have a cell phone because he feels only men will call her and though she works outside of the community, she is not allowed home after 9:00 pm. She explained that one of the times that he had beaten her was because she had gotten home at 9:30 pm. He accused her of going on a date.

“He is a cheater and a liar, so I think he is taking out his guilt on me. He is the one who has been unfaithful and he doesn’t want to face the truth. Maybe each time he looks at me, I remind him of the state in which he has dragged the family,” she said.

She told of one morning when he got out of bed about 3:00 and started accusing her of having an affair. In his anger he took a piece of the living room suite and a mattress to the back of their house and set them ablaze. She called the police. When they came some 20 minutes later, she met them at the gate. The rain was drizzling. The police officer, upon hearing that her husband was also a policeman, asked her if she thought they were idiots.

“How things must burn in rain?” one of the two said. She implored them to come and look but he hissed his teeth and told her she was wasting their time, and she should go and find something better to do. They drove off. She had to face the music alone.

Specific figures weren’t provided on the number of reported cases of abuse during the period mentioned above, but police sources estimate that there are approximately 25 reported cases per year.

Many spouses attest to not being able to rationalise what actually drives their men to behave irrationally sometimes.

Our second spouse is the girlfriend of a police officer and she says even though she would like to move on to someone else, she can’t because she knows he will kill her.

“He keeps his gun on the night table when we’re having sex. When we quarrel he points it at my temple and threatens to shoot me. He tells me stories everyday about how easy it is to kill someone, and how all he would have to do is cut my throat and dump my body in a barrel downtown,” she said.

Our third woman was married for five years to a member in the Jamaica Defence Force. She said that she never actually felt fearful that her husband would someday kill her, because she refused to just sit back and let him beat her. She would fight him blow for blow.

“I was very very unhappy, I was mostly angry, frustrated and my self esteem was very, very low. I felt like I was not good enough,” she said.

A year ago, her husband left the army.

“I am very happy now. He is behaving differently. He has matured. I think maybe stress was a contributing factor to his previous behaviour,” she noted. “I am very, very happy now,” she emphasised.

all woman sought the views of the husbands involved, but the soldier was off island.

The policeman’s anger was evident when we called. He did not wish to be interviewed, however, after gentle coaxing he aquiesqued.

“I am stressed from both sides,” he said. “My work is stressful, my marriage is stressful. So you find that there is a collision of stress.”

When asked if this was why he beat his wife he got very upset.

“Beat my wife, you let it sound as if I am a woman beater, as if it’s something that I always do!”

And after a while: “I may have hit her because of the problems I was facing at the time and I just could not deal with it. If you are a policeman you need someone to help you, someone you can talk to, someone who cares for you. My wife was not there for me.”

He confessed that this did not justify his actions, but at the time he felt there was no other solution.

“My wife never loved me from the start,” he said softly. Today he says, he stays at the police station to avoid confrontations with her.

Chaplin to the police, Dr Vivian Panton, explained the root cases affecting some law enforcement officers and their families that results in abusive behaviours.

“The job of a law enforcement officer is extremely stressful. In fact, researchers find that some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is likely to affect three per cent of the average population in their lifetime. While for law enforcement officers, 18 per cent are likely to come down with some condition related to this particular disorder,” he said.

He explaining that a law enforcement officer carries the normal stress of a regular human being living in the society, and then the nature of the job imposes additional stress.

“I believe that whatever happens with a police officer during the course of the day, goes home with him or her – very often unconsciously,” Dr Panton said. “A lot will now depend on how the spouse is going to respond to him and in turn, how that individual (law enforcer) will respond to what is going on at home.”

Sometimes however, he said the spouse too is often very stressed and tired with family and working responsibilities. Therefore effort has to be put into making the relationship work.

“It is important that they cultivate the kind of relationship to give each other freedom to talk and be good listeners. She has to help him to get through a lot of the inhibitions that he normally has so he can talk about what is happening with him.”

He added: “Talking about it is very very crucial. If enforcement officers don’t talk, it is bottled up inside and there is a build up which takes its toll over time.”

Counselling

It is in light of this fact that from April 2005 to March 2006, 6,965 members of the police force were counselled. Four thousand one hundred and fifteen were men. This amounted to a total of 9,269 sessions for that period.

Dr Panton said that often those who are counselled are not the ones who would go over the edge.

He explained that the stress factors of the job include, the daily dangers faced; the awareness of the role they play as an officer; the constant ‘looking over the shoulder’; long working hours; physical condition in which some officers have to live and work – this impacts on them sometimes unconsciously.

Other major stress factors noted were stagnation, where an officer is at one rank and not promoted for a number of years, especially if he has to watch his colleagues and new recruits being promoted above him; being transferred far from home; bureaucracy involved in dealing with supervisors etc; and the justice system which many times releases a criminal after the officer has spent months or even years putting the evidence together for trial.

Another major factor Dr Panton mentioned is the constant bashing received from the public aided by the media.

Help available

“The work is difficult and challenging but Jamaica has the edge in terms of care that is provided for our law enforcement officers, Dr Panton said. There is a medical unit and chaplaincy in all the divisions and they are free to come in for counselling,” he said. These facilities are available not only to law enforcers but to their families as well.

There is a medical unit, headed by a consultant psychiatrist, a chaplain unit which filters to all the divisions, peer counsellors in all the divisions, station pastors at local police stations and association members who are all available to encourage and counsel all officers.

For the police officer all woman interviewed, in his view, counselling would not help – unless both persons decided to bury the hatchet and move on. But he doesn’t see that happening for him. He said contrary to his wife’s belief, killing her was not an option, as he has his two sons to live for.

“Whatever God wants to happen will happen. Right now I am just trying to stay alive,” he said.

Dr Panton admits that law enforcement officers do get angry easily. He says good stress management is a lifetime technique that can alleviate this problem.

Recommended techniques are:

*Adequate rest

*Exercise

* Healthy eating habits

*Worship

* Meditation

*Listening to music

*Talking to someone

*Healthy sex – with partner. Unhealthy sex (outside the relationship) often leads to added stress.

*A life of integrity – be consistent with your values.

He says without good management, stress builds up and eventually leads to dysfunctional relations, hypertension, diabetes, stroke and heart attacks.