He has abandoned his son
Dear RB,
I have a son for a man who is now living with another woman who has children. He said that he would be in my son’s life when he could, and would send money every month. We’re not on good terms, but I allow him to see and talk to our son whenever he wants. However, lately he has lost interest.
For example, my son just turned eight, and his father didn’t even call to wish him a happy birthday. It’s now Christmas, and we’ve heard nothing from him either. I have to lie to my son and tell him that his dad called while he was in school. I don’t know whether I should really tell my son the truth. It hurts me that his father is being a dad to his new woman’s children, and ignoring his own blood.
-Unsure
Dear Unsure,
You have problems. Your son’s father is behaving as many men do. Since they have no legal ties to the woman, when the relationship dies, they ignore the children. This happens far more often than you know. The reality is that this man sees no reason to spend time with a woman he no longer cares about, and supporting the child is generally out of the question. In other words, no relationship, no child support.
In respect of your son, I think lying to him is risky. If he finds out his response could range from blaming you for chasing his father away or resenting his father terribly. None of this is good. Thus I would try to salvage Christmas and plan to find some counselling for your son and yourself in the New Year. This is not going to be an easy road for either of you and you are going to need help. And I am hoping that you can manage financially, because indications are that you should not expect much from the gentleman.
But you should also pray that good sense prevails and that this man or his new girlfriend comes to the understanding that this innocent child cannot be made to suffer because his parents are unable to get along. Good luck to you.
The holidays bring bad memories
Dear RB,
Last New Year’s Eve my only son was killed in a car accident which
makes the holidays more of a sad event than anything else. I’ve had counselling for most of the year, and I know that it’s going to be hard to get through this year, but I’m worried about how badly I seem to be taking things.
I have to keep my spirits up for my grandchildren and I know they are taking it extremely hard, because they lost their father too. I don’t know how to make the holidays happy for myself and them, without remembering all the good things, and the bad, about the past. Right now I just want to be alone to think about him, but I know that’s not healthy. Any suggestions?
-Sad
Dear Sad,
I cannot even begin to say how sorry I am to hear of your loss. I cannot even imagine your distress. Indeed, burying a child must be the hardest thing a parent is ever asked to do. I am glad to hear that you have been in counselling, and that you appreciate and understand the issues you face and those with which your grandchildren are struggling. What you are doing is hard and takes time. Just take your time. There is no rush.
Please don’t expect to have the holiday celebrations you had last year. But please do make an effort to have Christmas Day for the children, especially if they are young. You do not want them missing their dad and all of Christmas as well. Get some help from your family and friends. Maybe this year you could spend the holidays with other family members.
Get the children together and together pick a gift for the hostess. In the hustle and bustle of greeting old friends and meeting others, the meal and the fellowship, and opening small presents, the time will go faster and new, pleasant memories will be made. I would also take some time to remember their dad/your son. Share stories and pictures. It may start out slowly, but it will improve. You will get a chance to hear how the children are coping and have a chance to get some things off your chest. Sad and happy memories will bring tears and laughter.
You haven’t said anything about the mother of the children, but I am hoping that she is well and part of this effort to maintain this family. She too will be feeling sad at this time. You need each other.
I am sure that you have the best wishes and sympathies of many family members and friends, and I believe that their goodwill is a great support in these difficult days.
My very best to you.
Need no-frills advice about relationships, sex or just about anything else? Send questions to RB Samuels c/o all woman, 42 Beechwood Ave Kgn 5; via email to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com or fax 968-2025. We’re sorry, but RB cannot provide personal responses.
