Do you really have a preference?
FOR the mummies who have more than one child, what I’m about to discuss is for you.
My situation is quite dynamic. If you don’t know by now, I have three young children — two daughters of my own (almost five and almost two) and a stepson, soon to be eight.
As a mother with more than one child, I face many challenges as it relates to ensuring that each child feels loved, equally. This has been my challenge in three very different ways in that I have always had the challenge of ensuring my stepson does not feel left out since I am not his biological mother.
When my first daughter came along, I made an effort to express and highlight the qualities in him that were unique in an effort to make him feel like he ‘belonged’. Many times I stressed to him how cool it was that he would be a big brother, then when my second daughter was born, I was always telling him that he was blessed to be the only boy, so when his dad was not around he was the ‘man’ of the house.
The other set of challenges I faced was when my older daughter started to get jealous of her baby sister. Her whole behaviour changed. She became very clingy and still is; she exaggerates everything and still does. The situation is made worse because I am barely home due to my current job and its demand on my time, so I guess that adds to her feelings of neglect.
The issue surrounding preferring one child over the other came about when it was brought to my attention by my husband and my mother-in-law. They expressed that sometimes my behaviour suggests that I prefer my older daughter over my younger. I found that to be strange as I never really saw myself in that light. I guess I was always trying to reach out more to my older daughter in the hopes of trying to make her feel loved after the addition of her baby sister.
What I have found along this journey called motherhood is that you have to always be aware of what is happening with your children; you have to be open to see through their eyes. Many times as mothers, in our quest to be the best we can, we sometimes overdo or ‘under-do’ in how we communicate to our children; it is important to remember that you can’t be all things to all people, so take it easy and one day at a time.
I am not saying that some parents are not guilty of showing preference to one child over the other — which is very wrong — but we need to make an effort to ensure that we have one-on-one time with each child.
Don’t ever be heard saying things like you like one child over the other or this child does it better or this child looks better. Many times as mummies we do silly things like that in jest, but this can be very damaging to the child and can cause them to believe that you prefer their sibling over them. This will not only hurt their feelings but also breed unnecessary sibling rivalry. Remember each child has a different personality so you have to know how to communicate specifically to get through to each child based on how they are. Yes, it’s a really tough job, but it’s absolutely worth it!
Happy ‘mummying’ until we meet again!
T Talitha is a 28-year-old full-time wife and mother of three beautiful children. She is a business executive and an entrepreneur with a passion for sharing her life’s challenges to help encourage, inspire and empower other mothers. Do you have any stories you think other mothers can appreciate, any tips, suggestions or queries? We want to hear from you. Share your stories at allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.