He impregnated my best friend, then said I’m cheating
Dear Counsellor,
I have been married for three years and I am having problems with my husband. He accuses me of cheating and I don’t know why, as I have never done anything for him to think that. He really has no right to even think that when he is the one who went out and impregnated my best friend. He said it was a mistake and I forgave him. He said it was my friend who pushed herself on him, and knowing her, I do believe him. I no longer speak to her. My real concern is the wrongful accusations that really hurt. What should I do?
Your husband is seemingly projecting his own cheating thoughts and attitudes on to you. This is done to somewhat rationalise his act of infidelity so that he won’t feel guilty for his wayward behaviour.
The thinking in his head is that in the same way he was tempted and strayed, so could you. He will become quite suspicious and would want to question your every move. He may even go through your phone and check your emails.
If his story is true about your girlfriend who he claims seduced him, then I guess he’s probably saying that you also possess similar powers of seduction as your best friend. These thoughts may sound absurd, but such is the mind of some men who want to ensure that they don’t get “bun” even though they are guilty of same.
So your friendship with your best friend is over as a result of the illicit liaisons between your husband and her. And you blame her, based on your prior knowledge of her. The truth is, my sister, it takes two to tango and your man must take some responsibility for what went down. He was neither good nor careful.
This is the time when the wife and the baby’s mother should be friends rather than adversaries. The fact that your husband shares a child with your former best friend makes it prudent that you both get along, as difficult as it may be. Out of necessity, he will have to be around her to assist with the prenatal activities and even moreso after the child is born. There are going to be times when the child will stay at your home. Fostering a good relationship with your former girlfriend would ensure a smooth transition. So, as you forgave your husband, you may want to extend the olive branch to her as well.
So how do you get your husband to stop accusing you wrongfully? First of all, understand what is going on in his head as I explained earlier, then sit with him and let him know that you are uncomfortable with these unsubstantiated allegations and you wish that he would cease and desist. He is displaying insecurities that are generated by his own actions and so will have to be assured that he will not be cheated on. Do your best to be open and transparent in the relationship, giving him no reason to justify his allegation.
If you have forgiven him as you have said, then avoid the temptation of reminding him of his misdeed, especially when you are upset. This will only fuel his suspicions.
Your marriage is young and every effort must be made to preserve it. Marriage counselling is therefore recommended to ensure that insecurities and allegations are eliminated and love and harmony restored.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@ gmail.com
