I want my ex because my fiancé is boring
Dear Counsellor,
I just came to realise that I am still in love with my ex. I met him when I was 17 and he was 22. We dated for three years then I got sick of him and his family as they were always demanding money from me.
One day he got mad at me for giving too much to my mother and not giving to his mother.
Anyway, I got fed up and I left him. Then I went back. Things were going smoothly until one night we had an argument and he abused me physically. I reported him to his mom and siblings. All they could say was, “Sorry it won’t happen again”. I accepted the apology but ended it again soon after.
At this stage he would threaten me with text messages and threatened to post nude pictures of me online, so I cut off all contact. I started dating another guy for whom I’m now pregnant.
I still see my ex and we have sex all the time and even go on dates. I get jealous when he tells me he is seeing someone and I run back into his bed again.
I am planning my wedding with the other guy. But I think the reason I can’t get over my ex is that my fiancé is not romantic, nor is he good in bed. He is quick to arrive, and won’t do certain things.
How can I stop loving him? How can I get my fiancé to be romantic and fun?
What would you say is wrong with your picture? Is this a case of, ‘torn between two lovers’ or ‘stealing love on the side’? Whichever of the songs you are dancing to, what is evident is your inability or incapacity to remain committed to the partner of your choice.
If you are in a relationship with someone and you have decided that you are going to get married to the man you are pregnant for, then it goes without saying that you must cut off sexual relations with your former man, full stop. Don’t ever make the mistake in believing that after you get married you will automatically stop. This will not happen. As a matter of fact, it is likely to increase in intensity and frequency.
So the complaint is that your fiancé is not romantic and comes up short in bed. Be informed that such sexual problems can be resolved but would require the help and consideration of a caring and understanding partner. Many sexual dysfunctions are psychological in nature and can be addressed via therapy. Ejaculation disorders are common among men and can be due to a number of psychological issues which include work-related stress and anxiety, concern about sexual performance, marital or relationship problems, depression, feelings of guilt, and the effects of a past sexual trauma. Your fiancé should, however, see a doctor to rule out any physiological issues.
Share with your fiancé what your romantic desires are in a non-confrontational way, even it means showing and demonstrating to him what pleases you. The important thing is not to make demands or ultimatums. Making comparisons between the two gentlemen is certainly not advisable as well.
You cannot go back to your ex. So in your head you know what to do. The next step is to back up your words with action. You now need to convert the saying into doing.
To help you decide on the way forward, just stand before a mirror and truthfully answer this question, “Who is likely to be hurt most in the long run?”
Don’t forget also that you have a child on the way who is going to demand your full attention. You really don’t have the time to fool around. Focus and work on establishing your current relationship and ensuring a happy marriage.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com
