For the Christian, what about intimacy before marriage?

BEING attracted to the opposite sex is a natural, healthy part of life, but when it comes to being an unmarried Christian who’s dating, the million dollar question is, ‘How far is too far?’

At one end of the scale is the radical fundamentalist Christian who will save all forms of affection — even holding hands — for after marriage; and at the other end is the more liberal Christian who will allow public expressions of affection, like kissing, as long as it comes with certain boundaries.

For most Christians there is no sex before marriage, but the battle lines are drawn when it comes to what other forms of affection are allowed. The issue for many is whether it is possible to feel affection for someone; such affection that will make you contemplate marriage, yet you aren’t allowed to show that affection until the wedding day when you’re expected to transform from emotionless to affectionate.

“We were chaperoned everywhere we went, all we could do was hold hands,” said Donna-Marie, an evangelical Christian who has been married a year.

“And even then it was uncomfortable and sweaty teenage-type stuff. My husband didn’t once tell me that I was attractive. All he spoke about was the Bible during our courtship. He said God had led him to me, and after speaking to my pastor, I accepted his request to date. I wasn’t really attracted to him either but I knew he would be a good provider.”

She said there was never, ever any expression of ‘love’.

“It was just, ‘I admire this and that about you’, and, ‘You’ll make a good mother’. Then on the wedding night, suddenly he couldn’t get enough of my breasts, my hips, my lips. Suddenly the marriage bed was undefiled and we could do anything, watch anything on cable. And it was very difficult to move from being pious to playing the role where my husband expects me now to be an expert at sex and pleasing him, because he suddenly can’t get enough.”

Said Garry Rodriguez, minister at the Boulevard Church of the Nazarene: “Though it happens, it is close to impossible that you’ll be dating someone and say there is no physical attraction. That is a hard pill for me to swallow, because no matter how saved and sanctified you are, there is something called reality.”

Reverend Peter Garth, president of the Associated Gospel Assemblies, said God thought up and created the attraction gift, so nothing is wrong with attraction.

“But Christians should not go all the way to a sexual relationship before marriage. In terms of dating, a hug creates bonding and it can also enhance a relationship, so you have to be careful where you go from there and exercise discipline.”

And Reverend Karl Johnson, general secretary of the Jamaica Baptist Union, said it is not the norm for intimacy — meaning closeness, tenderness, affection, caring, among other things — to just ‘appear’ after saying ‘I do’.

But where do you draw the line?

Reverend Carla Dunbar, marriage, sex and family therapist said once the action arouses you sexually, you should refrain from it.

“If you are kissing, fondling and it arouses you sexually, it can lead to sex and you should not be doing that,” she said.

She said while we are human beings and will feel affection for each other, it is important that as Christians, God is pleased.

“A light kiss or hug as well as holding hands is fine, but avoid petting and try to keep yourself pure, which starts with your thoughts.”

Dunbar also cautioned young Christian daters to date in places where they are least susceptible to temptations.

Rodriguez said Christians have to draw a line between lust and admiration, but shouldn’t have to keep their feelings in a closet until the wedding day.

“As you are dating or courting certain conversations will get stronger and it’s natural that the mind will start to feed off what you see and you will begin to crave in your mind what you’re going to get when and if you get married. But in all fairness there is a thin line between lusting and admiration, however, you should not allow yourself to go over the edge.”

Below, denominational leaders offer more advice on what’s acceptable in intimacy before marriage:

Pastor Milton Gregory, executive secretary of the Jamaica Union Conference of Seventh-day Adventists:

We tell our young people to keep themselves pure and to not indulge in fondling and other sexual things. In terms of intimacy we often say, ‘To what extent? A light embrace?’ If you are going to hug and hold and your hands start to roam, then no. As it pertains to kissing, I believe that kissing is an upstairs invitation to a downstairs situation and it is best to save yourself for your spouse. To safeguard yourself it is best to be in the company of someone else.

Garth:

Remember this is not a cartoon where you can stop and rewind. You can get carried away and reach a point of no return, so exercise wisdom. Persons who are dating and/or courting and are heading towards marriage and say they feel no physical attraction should go and see a doctor. But you have to be careful of the time you spend alone as it is very easy to reach a point of no return.

Rodriguez:

When a woman is being kissed, her resistance is limited, then it will become difficult for the man to hold back. Don’t lean to the edge; know your breaking point and have a balance system.

Johnson:

Intimacy is a vital part of a relationship where marriage is being considered. The issue at hand therefore is, ‘Are there ways of expressing this ‘intimacy’ before the covenant of marriage which we would advise against?’ The answer is yes. We believe that certain expressions of intimacy are best shared within the context of a covenantal relationship that speaks to permanence, commitment and exclusivity. While we have been vocal on the issue of the ‘physical’ especially as it manifests itself in sexual intercourse, we may want to consider that other expressions of intimacy could well be cautioned against, including, for example, intimate social, financial, business arrangements which are entered into expressly because there is an expectation of marriage. As it relates to the physical, it is becoming increasingly difficult to hold up the notion of abstinence and not only among the young, due to the increasing ‘vagina-centricity’ of the times in which we live. Our message is unequivocal though that there are certain expressions which should await the presence of a covenantal relationship marked by the features named above. So while I would never advocate that all forms of physical intimacy should await marriage, I do counsel that there are, and should be, limits. In agreeing to the limits it doesn’t mean that we should necessarily aim for ‘anything else’ but penetration. Rather the approach to setting appropriate limits should underscore the values of waiting, control and respect.