Hubby got two co-workers pregnant

Dear Counsellor,

I have been married to my husband for eight years and he has been taking our relationship for a joke. He flirts with his co-workers and got two of them pregnant. One of the women is as old as my last child. He begged me not to leave him. He is always complaining of how broke he is, and at this time I do most of the supporting as I don’t want our kids to go out looking the worst for wear. Of our five children three are attending school, and all he asks is when they are going to graduate. If I am ill he never asks how I am doing; he only gets upset if he comes home and there’s no food on the table. He is in a very good job and I work too. I don’t depend on him for anything as he questions me if he doesn’t see where his money is being spent. I try to be independent and he hates that.

I am planning on leaving him but not without my kids. I still have some feelings for him but he confuses me at times. He takes care of the outside kids a lot better than he does mine. It’s as if I am non-existent when it comes to his mistresses. I am told never to mention their names or even go in the district where they live or work, even if I have to conduct business with others there.

Tell me what to do please. We have been to marriage counsellors but he never does what he is told.

This is a clear case of one partner taking the other for granted. To go as far as impregnating two other women is surely outrageous to say the least. Did these women not know that he was married or they just did not care?

It is disturbing to know that there are many husbands who disrespect both their wives and the institution of marriage by engaging in extramarital affairs as if it is a normal way of life. One wonders if they were ever ready for marriage and the vows they so proudly affirmed were just mere repetitious words. Some will tell you that they have a “weakness for sweetness” and can’t resist the temptation of yielding. Truth be told, they are the same ones who would go ballistic if the shoe was on the other foot and their wives were to do the same.

It is disheartening to know that in the 21st century there are insensitive and inconsiderate men who would expect their dinner cooked and served on the dining table even when their wives are sick. It is no different from the man who wants to engage in sexual intercourse with his woman who was just discharged from the hospital after a major surgical procedure. Unfortunately, male superiority/female inferiority still exists in some households.

The issue of looking after the outside children better than those from the marriage is again disturbing. What usually happens is that the baby mothers are more demanding and will not put up with slackness. They will never allow the child to suffer any inconvenience whatsoever and even go overboard with their requests. That is what the gentleman has got himself into and must deal with the consequences of his actions. It is not surprising that you are getting less of his attention as he has to maintain two other households that make excessive claims on him.

Old time people would say, “If you make your bed you have to lie in it.” He has certainly taken this adage literally. It is just a pity that you innocently got caught up in his drama.

The truth is, the damage to the marital relationship has already been done and he has to care for his outside children and maintain contact with the children’s mothers. I’m just curious to know how he navigates the workplace scenario with the two co-workers who are also the mothers of his children. It must be an awkward and stressful situation as more than likely they don’t get along very well as one or both would be jealous of the other. What a tangled web! This should serve as a lesson to other men who fail to exercise self-control.

You are at a crossroads in your marriage. Surely you do care for your husband and you have favourably considered his request to remain with him after the discovery of the outside children, but whereas the first time can be considered a mistake, the second time around may well have been intentional.

If he refuses to heed the instructions of the counsellor and is uncooperative then it does not require any superior intellect to tell you that he would rather maintain the status quo than make any changes to fix the relationship problems. You have to do what is necessary to look after your emotional and psychological well-being and that of the children.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.