He wants to be just friends
Dear Counsellor,
First I must say I really look forward to your advice in All Woman; you are always profound and refreshing.
I met this man over a year ago. He is 20 and I’m 23, but he is very mature, even more than I am. He had a girlfriend when I met him and wouldn’t cheat on his girlfriend with me which made me more attracted to him.
Eventually he and his girlfriend broke up.
I got baptised and I am currently a Christian, a lifestyle I love. I really like this guy because he is different in a lot of ways. However, he said he just wants to be friends.
He knows that I want to be more than friends because I told him so. But if I don’t reach out to him to say hello, it takes him days before he actually checks to see if I’m OK.
In the back of my mind I think he wants a relationship but his actions don’t reflect that. He is an introvert and speaks very little.
He told me that he doesn’t know how to express his feelings but I think that if he truly wanted to be with me he would find a way to show that. I’m planning on just removing him completely from my life because being friends with him and wanting more is causing me pain when he doesn’t do the things I expect. I also don’t think it’s healthy for my Christian life as I always daydream about us being intimate.
Could you please advise me what to do? I see him as someone who could be my husband but at the same time he doesn’t seem to want me.
It is obvious that both of you have contrasting expectations for the relationship and because there is no mutual understanding and agreement there is confusion as to the current status.
Let’s look at the young man for a minute. He is just 20 and even though he may be mature mentally, he may well be working on the emotional side of his psychological growth and development. His inability to express his feelings, particularly on the intimate plain, could result from childhood deprivation of love and affection from either parent or the absence of intimacy displayed between his parents, especially by his dad.
When there are deep-seated issues like this, someone who is so affected may display behaviour patterns that indicate a fear of being vulnerable and so he/she holds back. This could be the reason for his tendency to remain quiet and reclusive.
He has recently ended a relationship so he may want to remain single for a while to get over his ex-girlfriend. It would be instructive to try to ascertain the reason for the break-up. Did she also experience a lack of expressed intimacy? If he does have challenges in this regard it makes sense that he gets professional help and not expose his partner to the effects of such deficiency.
It could also be that he, knowing that you have made a decision to live a Christian life, wants to assist you to remain focused on your walk and not be distracted or derailed by engaging in a committed relationship. Your daydreams could become reality and so his reluctance to take the friendship to the next level could be a blessing in disguise.
You have the luxury of time on your side so you may want to take it slow and allow the friendship to flourish. If it is to transition into a steady relationship then it will happen in time, no need to rush. In the meanwhile, just enjoy each other’s company.
Remember you have made a decision regarding your spiritual life and so you don’t want to, as it were, make any missteps along the journey.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
