He cheated with my cousin
Dear Counsellor,
I have been dating this man for 10 years and I have a baby with him. He has been cheating ever since we had the baby. In 2013 he cheated on me and told me that he didn’t want me anymore. The worst part was that I also lost my job in that year. After a few months he came back apologising, saying that he had made a mistake letting me go. I took him back. Last year I found out that he was cheating with my cousin and it broke me. I could not accept the situation and I became angry, smashed his car and I stalked the woman. He wants us to be friends and it’s hard, because I snap every time I talk to him. My son is being affected, because he gets angry every time he is with his father. My son has become a bully at school. I tried to talk to the dad but there is no change. What do you suggest I do?
If you are in a relationship and it brings out the worst in you, then something is definitely wrong with that relationship. If every time you are with your partner you snap, then that is very unhealthy for both of you and efforts must be made to resolve the causal factors.
So your partner, who happens to be the father of your child, decided to walk away from the relationship after 10 years of togetherness. What did he mean that he did not want you anymore? Was he bored and lost interest in you and the relationship? Did he find greener pastures elsewhere? It would appear it was the latter, as he seemed to have realised after a few months that the grass was not as green as he thought and chose to return home.
Some men get distracted and soon recognise the folly of their ways and do as your gentleman did, and their partners do as you did and welcome them back home with open arms. It is said that once is a mistake, but if it happens again it could well be deliberate. Cheating with a family member would indicate that he has not learned from his mistake and may not have deserved a second chance.
Broken trust is not something you mend with an adhesive tape, and so requesting a continuation of the relationship despite the unfaithfulness is definitely expecting too much.
One can understand your hurt, but don’t let the situation drive you to be violent and get yourself in trouble. It really isn’t worth it. The same applies for stalking the woman. If he chooses to be with someone else, there is not much you can do to change his mind, and losing your cool will only make matters worse.
Apart from your emotional hurt, the other important concern is your child who is caught in the mix. Couples need to pay attention to the children when they are engaged in their squabbles, as younger children in particular are negatively impacted and will act out in the way your son is now doing. The aggression he shows at school is his way of expressing his hurt.
It is recommended that you seek professional help as soon as possible because it is obvious that you are not dealing with the breakup well. Do get some help for your son as well, as he too needs psychological intervention.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
