Can single mothers effectively raise boys?

NUMEROUS pieces of research have shown that boys who have contact with their fathers are generally healthier in all aspects of their lives, including academics, mental and psychological health, and are more socially rounded. But according to clinical psychologist Dr Pearnel Bell, this in no way suggests that boys raised by single mothers are at a disadvantage.

“Boys raised by their mothers are not broken men. Some of the most successful men we see every day were raised by single mothers. So, to a question of the ability of single mothers to raise great sons, my answer would be a resounding yes,” Dr Bell said.

She pointed out that interesting new pieces of research have cited increased cases where children who grow up in single-parent homes – usually with the mother as head – do better than they would in dysfunctional two-parent families.

“Single mothers can effectively raise children. In fact, they have been doing so for years. A single mother in a steady job with good parenting skills can raise her children well, avoiding the developmental, financial and psychological ills that are generally associated with households that consist of just boys and their mothers,” Dr Bell explained.

However, she agreed that single-parent households, particularly those of single mothers, undoubtedly will encounter many challenges, which may be linked primarily to finances.

“Single mothers, oftentimes without the financial and emotional support of the child’s father, will have challenges accessing many crucial services. However, a single mother determined to grow a child in a healthy way usually tries to satisfy the child’s need for shelter, love, health and an education because a mother knows these are crucial to the well-being of her children,” Dr Bell shared.

“The parent provides emotional support. In my practice, I see single mothers toil really hard to ensure their children succeed. The problem is often a yearning for the father if he is not involved in the child’s life,” she added.

Below Dr Bell shares other tips that single mothers could incorporate in their child-rearing efforts to ensure that their boys are given the advantage of growing into well-balanced young men:

1. Love and affection should be shown in abundance

“Be sure to read to your child, and engage him in playtime activities. Do things that he likes and engage him in conversations from every genre. You want him to know that he should feel comfortable talking to you about everything,” Dr Bell said.

2. Never spoil your children with gifts to make up for lost time

She said to avoid this, remember to make arrangements with your boss so that your child does not feel neglected by you. “They may already feel that way about their father.”

3. Abandon the notion that boys should be allowed to be boys

The clinical psychologist said you may want to reconsider laughing at rogue behaviours, tantrums, being allowed to stay out late hours and not participating in household chores.

4. Teach them to be accountable

Dr Bell said boys should know that there are consequences for breaking contracts that you make with them. “When they know they have things to do around the house, this also teaches responsibility,” she said.

5. Boundaries, limits, and respect should be taught at home

She said you should ensure that caregivers in your absence have knowledge of the rules that you have set down and will not contradict these or your discipline techniques. “Children require consistency, and this will encourage that,” she said.

Dr Bell argued that single mothers, while they may have differences with the father of their children, should be careful that this does not extend into or jeopardise the possibility of their sons having a father-son relationship with their dads, unless he is known to be abusive and may cause harm to the child.

“It is important that if fathers want to be a part of the children’s lives, single mothers allow this in the best interest of the child. Do not spite the father by using the child, because you not only would have ruined the possibility of a beautiful relationship and a healthier child, but you could also cause the child to resent you because of a decision made out of anger.”

Dr Bell also pointed out that parents who stay together for the sake of their children, especially in light of daunting statistics, could be causing more harm than good.

“If two parents live under the same roof and are in a discordant relationship, it can be more detrimental to the child than a single parent carrying out healthy functions,” she said.