Before getting married…
IN 2016 the Statistical Institute of Jamaica reported that there was a gradual decrease in the number of marriages, and an increase in the number of divorces. One of the reasons listed by experts for this was that the expectations individuals had before going into marriage were in contrast to reality. Women especially get married expecting to get the fairy tale they have been dreaming about from they were girls, and feel disappointed when things do not go as planned.
How do you ensure that your marriage lasts? How do you get it as close as possible to what you dreamed it would be? Here are some things every woman should know before getting married.
1. It is not going to be a fairy tale
Marriage can be fun, and you could find yourself falling in love over and over again, but it is never going to be a perfect fairy tale. You cannot measure it based on the numerous romance movies you have watched. There will be disagreements, and you have to learn how to appreciate the flaws in your partner and your marriage.
Said Donna, who has been married for 20 years: “I knew my husband for years before we got married, and I thought I knew all there was to know about him. But during our marriage I kept on learning new things, some that even annoyed me. At the end of the day I accepted the fact that he is not perfect, neither am I, but our love is perfect, and that is all I need.”
2. Know your partner
Knowing his full name, where he lives and his genealogical lines is not enough. You have to know who you are getting married to. What are his flaws? What is his favourite music? How does he behave when he is angry? What is his political affiliation? What are his plans for the future? Knowing the answers to questions like these will help to build a successful marriage.
3. Marry because you want to
Do you want to marry him, or do your friends and family tell you that you should? Never marry because someone else is telling you to. Ensure that this man is who you want to be with for the rest of your life. Is he the one you want to see first thing in the morning, and the last thing before you go to sleep? If the answer to this question is yes, then you should go ahead and marry him. Vannie, who was divorced after three years, said she got married under pressure.
“I married my ex-husband because my mum told me to. He was the ‘perfect fit’ because he was educated and ambitious, but he was not the one for me. We just could not get along.”
4. Live with him for a while
You know what Jamaicans say: ‘See me and come live with me a two different thing’. It is good advice. Live with the man you are going to marry before you marry him. You will be able to see a great deal of his habits and personality traits, and you will be in a better position to decide whether or not he is husband material.
“I lived with Tony for a good while before we got married,” said Hazeth, now married 34 years. “ I learnt a lot about him: his eating habits, sleeping habits, and how he is when he gets tired or angry. I knew he was someone I wanted to live with forever.”
5. Be able to communicate
If you cannot effectively communicate with your partner, then something is wrong. When having disagreements, you and your partner should be able to come to a reasonable agreement that is beneficial to both of you.
6. Love yourself
To be happy in your marriage, you have to be able to love yourself. Be comfortable with who you are, and build up your self-image and confidence; it will help you to have a long-lasting marriage. “When I got married I was very insecure and I was always accusing my husband of cheating,” said Shari, married 10 years. “It led to us having a lot of fights, but I began to look into myself and I realised that I was the problem. I changed my ways, and ever since then my marriage has been going great. A lot of people are afraid of getting married, but there is nothing to be scared of. It is not perfect, it can never be, but when you do it right, it is worth it. Have faith in the man you love.”
Naggai Powell is the public relations officer for a wedding planner, and has thus seen first-hand some of the ups and downs of matrimony.
