Unhappy wife, unhappy life
Dear Counsellor,
I am a 32-year-old woman and I have been married to a man for four years. I’ve never loved him. I have been in love just once and when that ended I could never fall in love again.
I thought I would be happy in my married life and give my 100 per cent, but it turned out to be hell. My husband was not at all understanding and tried to dominate me. My mother-in-law was the worst kind. Eventually I left him, but two years later he tried to convince me to come back and I did only because I was scared of ending up alone. I also found out that he was never loyal, even before the marriage.
I still don’t love him at all. I still hate his family. I feel very insecure about my future in this marriage. I cry every day.
But I also know that I will not be able to love again. The only man I’ve ever loved is happily married. Please help me!
The root of your problem lies in two telling statements you made. The first is that you did not love your partner and secondly you reconnected with him because of your fear of ending up alone. These two factors are recipes for disaster in a relationship. If you don’t have any affection for the man you are married to then it is quite likely that you won’t give him much attention and he in return may just reciprocate and you’ll both grow apart rather than together.
Your second assertion is unfortunately the reason some women decide to get married. The fear of being alone is the main motivation for many women, particularly those who have hit their 40s and see their biological clock ticking away and would prefer to have a child in wedlock.
Their argument is that having “a” man is better than not having a man at all and usually not much thought is put in the selection process. Many times the man selected is the one she may least like but because the man she is interested in has shown little interest in her and the second-rate guy worships the ground she walks on, he would reluctantly get the nod. So the equation would be he loves her/she tolerates him. But soon her tolerance will run out as obviously yours did.
I can appreciate your sentiment about falling in love once and the likelihood of it not happening again. You were hurt from that experience and so you are reluctant to make yourself emotionally vulnerable. You have not put any closure on that relationship and never gave your husband a starting chance in the marriage.
It’s one thing to have a partner you dislike, but when in-laws are involved to complicate matters, your problem becomes that more complex. Is it that your mother-in-law has observed the absence of love for her son by your actions and behaviour and would want to protect him?
It is always the man’s responsibility to bridge any relationship gap that may exist between mother and wife and not accept any disrespect directed at the other.
You have complained about your husband’s domineering behaviour and his tendency to be unfaithful in relationships. Have you had a talk with him about these issues? Have you expressed your discontent and prepared to do what is in your best interest?
I need not tell you to stay out of the life of your ex and if he reaches out and shows interest in having a romantic fling, please don’t consider that path as tempting as it may be. Just let it go for the sake of all concerned.
You need to seriously assess your marital relationship and not let fear of being alone be the driving force to remain in the marriage. Couples can be physically present but emotionally absent in their relationships, and there and then will you truly experience real loneliness. Think on these things. All the best.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com or powellw@seekingshalom.org . Check out his work on www.seekingshalom.org and his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor /.
