Cheating lessons

WHETHER you are the victim or the offender, cheating can severely affect your psyche. And while at the moment all you may be able to feel is a kaleidoscope of emotions, many people, especially the offended, take away valuable lessons from their period of pain.

All Woman asked readers to share the lasting effects of cheating, making special note of the lessons learned in the process.

Teleisa, 24, nurse:

Being cheated is not just painful and draining emotionally, but there are many other effects of cheating, some of them being very valuable, as they come in the form of lessons in life. Number one for me is: Not every person you date needs to know how you truly feel about them, because often when they do, they take advantage of your feelings with the expectation that you won’t leave them. Two: Not every person you date is meant to stay with you forever, no matter how much you love them, because it is not about who you love; sometimes it’s who loves you. Also, it is important to live by the lessons, otherwise we will constantly make the same mistake which will only hurt us or the ones we love.

Krissy, 22, university student:

Cheating hurts; it’s nothing you would wish on your worst enemy. If you are unfortunate enough to be cheated on, you should know that there are valuable lessons to be learned. I learned that you can love an individual with your all and it still doesn’t change the fact that you will be cheated on. I learned that you can’t trust everyone with all you have because unfair games can be played. Also, cheating is really risky because it causes so many negative impacts on one’s life, such as health problems like STIs.

Kim, 25, stay-at-home-mom:

Cheating has hardened me so much that now I just always condition my mind that my man has somebody else. Apart from taking care when I trust a man, being cheated on taught me that some men will never be satisfied; and especially if he is a second offender, staying with him is a signal that I am okay with that. I also learned how to lean on myself more instead of looking for validation in men because sometimes they use that as a sign of insecurity and play on your mind.

Sashana, 36, stylist:

Being cheated on by my husband taught me never to trust any man and to always expect the unexpected. I learnt that when there are no signs, be suspicious. If they are too perfect, you should be suspicious because these types of men will do the worst things.

Latoya, 32, teacher:

Being cheated on taught me that men aren’t loyal. There is a bright side to being cheated on though — you get to revamp yourself; you can do your self-analysis and make your changes so that you can be wiser for your next relationship. You will also be more careful and conscious when deciding on certain things.

Relationship counsellor Wayne Powell agreed with the respondents that cheating can teach valuable lessons that positively impact you, as terrible as the actions of the offender may have been. Using a six-point system, Powell shares some of the most valuable lessons that can come from being cheated on, as well as cheating.

1. That your partner probably doesn’t value you or the relationship. This means that you can take the appropriate action.

2. That you have not extended any extra effort to keep your partner sufficiently engaged. And while he/she should not have resorted to this, you both will now have to work on addressing this.

3. That you have made too many excuses and given leeway for your partner to continue with his/her wayward behaviour (“a so man stay”).

4. That you never did sufficient background checks on your partner to find out his level of commitment in past relationships. Many times we date serial cheaters without even knowing.

5. That you observed the “red flags” that indicated his tendency to stray, but you ignored them.

6. That you are not as vigilant as you should be. Always stay focused on your relationship and make time, no matter how busy you are.

And for the cheaters, here are the lessons Powell says you should learn:

1. That you have a challenge remaining committed to one partner and may need professional help.

2. That you need to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and understand the emotional pain and hurt that the person experiences.

3. That cheating and dishonesty walk hand in hand and will mar your character.

4. That what goes around will come around — karma is real — and that if you are prepared to give, you must be prepared to receive.

5. That it is a myth that all men are wired to cheat.

6. That what is done in darkness (secret) will eventually come to light. Are you ready to deal with the consequences?