Sprightly seniors’ shocking indiscretions

THEY say marriages these days are made in China — they just don’t last. This is reflected in the rising divorce rates globally, which is a stark contrast to the unions of our grand and great-grandparents for whom we are still planning silver, gold, and diamond anniversary celebrations.  

Some people have claimed that the reason younger people are likely to plan fewer of these milestone anniversaries is that modern couples are less tolerant of the indiscretions of their partners. Is there truth to this? All Woman asked readers to share some things tolerated by their grand and great-grandparents that modern couples are less likely to be forgiving of.

Kieran, 27, water quality inspector:

My grandfather had several kids outside, even one the same age as my aunt. He was married to my grandmother who had done the ‘right’ thing and remained pure and found her husband in church, but he didn’t romp to give her trouble. She stuck it out for years, even when other women came to her door, because he was the breadwinner and her church doesn’t believe in divorce. He eventually left her and was living with another woman, and she had to go abroad to work to earn money to take care of her children. To this day they are still married, and she still wears her ring and talks about her husband, even though she hates him and family gatherings are awkward.

Sharon, 41, production manager:

My grandmother told me that drinking was a means of entertainment for men; there was no TV, and even when there was, there was not much going on. Bar life was more exciting and men would catch-up and drink and when they came home the women, though innocent, would have to walk on eggshells or be guaranteed a beating. Some women got so used to the abuse they would say, “if him don’t beat me him don’t love me”. My grandmother, while she didn’t believe that, wasn’t able to leave because he would threaten to hurt the children and she didn’t have anywhere to go. Nowadays women are not only in better jobs, which make them more independent, but there are also more support groups and less tolerance for these things so women are more comfortable leaving these toxic relationships because they can survive on their own.

Adam, 53, mechanic:

With the older folks I would say that a lot of them were more forgiving. People always talk about their grandparents having outside children and relationships. Well, in the case of my grandmother, my grandfather went on the farm work programme in search of a better life for his seven children. My grandmother got knocked up by my grand-dad’s best friend and continued to communicate with my grandfather as though nothing happened. When my grandfather came back she was heavily pregnant. He was heartbroken and people gossiped about him, but he took the child, gave her his last name, and forbade his other children and community members from embarrassing the child because of it. If it was modern-day, you’d best believe that no man would take a ‘jacket’ like that — he would more likely disrespect her and tell her to leave his place. No man these days will take those kinds of ‘stylings’.

Tiffany, 32, sales rep:

My grandfather met my grandmother when she had four young kids — all under five years old — but he took her on anyway. And she did all kinds of horrible things to him that would make any man leave — she would throw dirty water on him when he came home late, lock him out of the house, curse him, and she even took a strap to him once in the market. But he still stayed. Why? Because she was Indian and a browning! Their marriage lasted 52 years.

Dominique, 40, stay-at-home mom:

My mother put up with cheating, physical abuse that we children also witnessed, and abject poverty, for what? Because she was on the choir and would lose her church membership if she divorced him. So she sat in that relationship until my father died two years ago. It was only after he died that she finally relaxed, and believe me she celebrated because she could now get his pension.

Christopher, 48, pilot:

This story is still the highlight of our Christmastime story-telling activities, and I still chuckle about it to this day. My uncle married this woman from St Elizabeth – a stunning beauty. But he was very insecure and he would treat her badly, and when he went to town to work her cousin would come to visit her to help alleviate her boredom. The cousin was a great guy — he worked for the biscuit company and would bring us lots of goodies and my aunt was always happier when he was around. As I said my uncle was terrible — he abused her, cheated on her, got a neighbour pregnant, but still my aunt stayed, I guess, because she didn’t want to return to her parish. But when her kids were in their teens she moved to Clarendon, and her cousin was the one who came to move her. My uncle cried and did the whole devastated spouse act, but she was done. A few months later she called my mom with the good news that she was having twins, and the father? The man we all thought was her cousin was actually her boyfriend! So while my uncle was being a jerk, under the quiet my aunt was having fun with her true love right under his nose, and plotting her escape.

Sudan, 27, translator:

Our grandparents would cheat a lot, that was the norm. We heard about our grandfathers fathering numerous outside children. These days, though, many women will still accept a cheating man; what they are less likely to tolerate is a man fathering, especially more than one, outside child.

Tishana, 26, customer care representative:

The number one thing that I would say our grand and great-grandparents accepted that fewer young people will tolerate is cheating. Outside of cheating, there was emotional and physical abuse. Yes, it still happens now, but more women are willing to leave even if it costs them their lives.

Stephany, 40, risk analyst:

Back then the man was the breadwinner hence they could do whatever they wanted and so things never progressed past a little argument. So they would have several children outside of the union, lie, cheat, sometimes fail to provide to spite the woman, and so on. These days women have a choice because they are educated, they have careers, they have more independence, so they can demand respect, and if it’s not being served they are in a better position to choose to move on.

Amara, 28, banker:

I think that because of defined gender roles and the clearly defined differences — for example, women staying home and men going out to work, they had more bonding time instead of being on the phone or social media. They had fewer people influencing their relationships; they spent time resolving their issues, and having discussions rather than arguments. In the case of modern couples we like to think that we are independent, we are each bringing something to the table, and our egos are so big, we hold an opinion allowing very little room for an actual discussion. As soon as something difficult comes up we are ready to say ‘I’m done’. Everybody wants to be right, no one wants to accept being wrong, and both parties want to have the last say.