Nanny, or mommy?
IS your child more attached to the nanny than to you? Is it just a phase that will pass, or is it something that you need to worry about?
“My baby doesn’t want me to feed her, get her to bed… nothing at all,” complains Melodie M, mom of a 20-month-old. “She is more attached to my live-in helper than she has been to me, and I think it’s because I work so much.”
She says she worries sometimes, but it’s a situation she can’t change at the moment, as her work schedule is hectic.
“How do I get her to realise that I’m her mom, and she should seek comfort with me?”
Young children sometimes refer to their babysitters as ‘mama’, or will cry for the nanny even while in their mother’s arms — a situation that can cause feelings of jealously for some parents, and guilt in others.
Counsellor David Anderson says if the young child spends most of their time with a caregiver, then this can happen, but most children usually outgrow it.
“It’s natural for the child to cleave to and feel safe with the person who allays their fears, fights their monsters, and satisfies their need for food, security and affection,” he said.
“It will be up to the parents to also establish a bond with the child so there is no confusion. The amount of time spent away isn’t necessarily an issue if you make use of the time you have together.”
He offers these three tips to parents in this situation:
1) The more time you spend with the baby or child playing with them and talking with them the more attached they will become to you. No matter how busy parents get, something as simple as being a part of the child’s bedtime routine, or being the person the child associates with an action — like giving them their night-time bath — will help them form a connection to you that no one will be able to break.
2) Engage with them in their love language — play. This is what the child is most interested in and the avenue through which you will bond with the child. Find time in your schedule to do playful activities with your child, and you will get to find out more about them through this, and vice versa.
Playtime doesn’t have to be a long, drawn-out activity; something as simple as sitting for a few minutes to colour with the child, going outside to kick a ball, or taking a walk with them and gathering interesting rocks is great bonding activity.
3) Spend time talking, planning, and doing things with them to ensure that they know and remember that you are the mother. No matter how hectic your schedule is you should make a deliberate effort to spend time with your child, whether early in the mornings or in the evenings. Call the child during the day — even if it’s a baby, video call them during the day so that they see mommy’s face and hear mommy’s voice.
