Newly-wed worried about husband’s ex
Counsellor,
I am newly married and I have been struggling with feelings of intimidation and insecurity when it comes to my husband’s babymother. Naturally, they share a bond through their child that I respect, but there are moments when I feel as though her presence carries a certain authority or influence that I don’t have, and that he respects, and it leaves me questioning my place in my own marriage. I sometimes feel anxious before interactions involving her. For clarity, she was his first love, and she was the one who broke things off and declined when he asked her to marry him.
I am not looking to create conflict. I genuinely want a peaceful and respectful dynamic for the sake of everyone involved, but I worry that these feelings might eventually affect my marriage if I don’t address them.
I would appreciate your guidance on how to build confidence in my role as a wife, and manage these feelings of intimidation.
Your husband has an ex that you both have to interact with, she’s the mother of his child, and you are concerned about his relationship with her, and perceive it as a possible threat to your marriage. Understood. This is why premarital sessions are important. Unfortunately, sometimes premarital sessions aren’t scheduled and a wedding becomes the focus more than thorough preparation for the marriage. But be encouraged. And congratulations on your marriage!
I commend you for wanting to build self-confidence. Confidence is attractive, and a lack of it is destabilising. So let me assist. But know that your husband has work to do, also. He must facilitate your ability to have confidence in him. That’s not on you. He has to demonstrate that he has put the past behind him, and that he can prudently co-parent with his ex.
Your self-confidence must come from a conviction, knowing that you have the freedom to determine your future. You get to set your boundaries. And no, you aren’t creating conflict, but you will have to state your boundaries. He must know, respectfully, what you will not tolerate. And she must know what the rules are, where your house and your husband’s time is concerned. Set boundaries!
A point for the singles: Only get married if you are mature enough to leave the past in the past! If you aren’t emotionally free from an ex, don’t go “limping” into a marriage with someone else. You’ll be cheating on them emotionally. Now, I am not saying that this is your situation, but your husband will have to show that his past is in the past. And he must be comfortable being transparent as he interacts with his ex. He needs to know that you have felt uneasy with her and the interactions, and you expect maturity from him.
My advice:
Speak to your husband: Let him know that you expect him to defend your marriage from infiltration. Tell him things only work well where trust is easy. Determine your boundaries for their interaction and let him know what they are. Be respectful, but be clear. Be firm.
Strengthen yourself: No, there’s no room for intimidation or insecurity. Perish the thought! Don’t allow negativity into your spirit. Put that “duppy” in a bag, meaning challenge negative thoughts with a counter thought and a positive word to yourself. Practice brushing off negative thoughts. If you feel anxious about interacting with her, “put that duppy in a bag”!
Consider an accountability partner: Everyone can benefit from accountability partners for marital goals. Find a mature friend or a good counsellor. Share your relationship goals with them and have them work and walk with you.
If you’re in Jamaica, I’d also invite you both to register for our upcoming marriage seminar “Just For Us”. It’s happening at Hope Fellowship auditorium on April 25, at 9:00 am. Reach out to Chrisbrodber@yahoo.com if you’re interested.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
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