THE MEN’S ISSUE: Hard truths learnt about life and love during COVID

THE coronavirus pandemic has proved itself to be a master educator — we have all benefited from lessons, including that human beings are fragile, things can change in an instant, the importance of setting aside something for a rainy day and, of course, that there is still hope in humanity.

But the pandemic didn’t just gift us life lessons; for many couples navigating the constraints of the global crisis it has had a clarifying effect on their love lives — and the truths uncovered about themselves, their partners and their relationships have changed the trajectory of their lives. A few of the men in these unions have shared just what they learnt on their almost one-year roller coaster ride.

Tirrel, 38, chef:

The pandemic made me realise that I failed to take care of myself. I invested every hour of the day I could at a job that never second-guessed laying me off. I sacrificed quality time with my partner, and self-development, for the company. It showed me that my partner wasn’t miserable, it’s not that she didn’t want me to excel, but she saw that I was sacrificing everything, even myself, and she wanted to protect me from the fallout of that. But you know even with all that she never judged me or said, “I told you so” — she has been supportive right through, never complained when she had to take on an extra bill (we had just bought our house) and work extra hours, she still did all that she had to and has just been so sweet about everything. So I judged her and her reaction thinking that she would be judgmental because that is how I saw her, and she just showed me so much love and respect that I am disappointed in myself and my thoughts. I have an amazing woman and the pandemic reminded me of that.

Drey, 36, business development manager:

I initially thought it would be fun because I’d finally get to have all the nooky in the world, right? I couldn’t be more wrong about everything — you get tired of the bonking after two or so weeks, and you begin to see the person for who they really are. For example, I never took the time to notice just how much work taking care of the kids was, and that was in addition to juggling so many other things. I realised that I never did say thank you to my wife enough for her contributions for making the house a home, for being nurse, babysitter, teacher, spiritual advisor and everything else — on top of doing her best to make me happy. I was just so busy being the main breadwinner, thinking that it would be nice for my wife because she works from home, and the truth is that I don’t think that I could survive. So, in short, this pandemic, and the longest moment of reflection that I have had, has shown me that the value I have placed on my partner needed some booster — and I have done that since. I never doubted that she was amazing, I have always known, and that it is why it’s an honour to have her as my wife, but this woman is a true everyday hero and I needed to match that energy. I have been slow in progress, but she has been gentle and kind.

TG, 29, data specialist:

COVID-19 has been undoubtedly stressful for everyone. Children’s routines have been changed overnight; plans have been cancelled at the last minute; people have been laid off, fired, or had to change jobs suddenly; schools suddenly switched to online; many jobs have to be worked from home now; and people are scrubbing compulsively, keeping their distance from others, and wearing masks. To answer your question, it’s safe to say we learnt how to savour quality time, even when it’s in abundance. We learnt how to effectively communicate with each other. We didn’t know each other as well as we thought we did — COVID gave us the opportunity to.

Orando, 30, IT specialist:

For my partner and I, we bonded more and made a more intentional effort to get to know each other more. We learnt more about what made us so different but alike at the same time. We were able to see the areas we are weak in, and even did a good job at planning on changing things post-COVID. I would say that this time together has united us.

Grant, 41, physiotherapist:

The pandemic made me realise that if we should take sex out of the relationship there is nothing keeping things alive — it’s just a shell. We are two completely different people who have grown out of love, and we are just keeping up appearances. We haven’t been able to hold a conversation, and trust is lacking because this woman has an issue with every call that I get, even though most are work-related. I am constantly under the microscope and I am tired of the insecurity. I don’t think we can survive much more of each other. I know she is miserable too, even though she hasn’t said it in so many words.