Co-parenting lessons for parents who can’t get along

A relationship ending is rarely easy to deal with, and it’s even more difficult when children are involved. People have to deal with their spiralling emotions, as well as ensure that their children are getting the best care possible. Marsha Page knows this first hand.

While building her business, She Slays Fashion, Page had to deal with the daunting reality of trying unsuccessfully to co-parent after she separated from her son’s father seven years ago.

Page told All Woman that even though her child’s father has not played much of an active role in his life, she still tries to maintain communication with him and inform him about the boy’s milestones.

“I’ve reached out to him on a number of occasions. I’ve put the past behind me, so I try and keep him in the loop. So when he’s graduating, I’ll tell him he’s graduating on X day. I’ll say his sports day is coming up… but he doesn’t follow up,” Page stated.

“I remember last year I reached out to say I needed some help for the school fees, and he asked me to give him a month or so and I didn’t hear back from him. That’s something I think I don’t need to follow up with you on; it should be on your mind that your child’s school fees needs to be paid,” she continued, as she explained that her son’s father has another child that he lives with, and he plays his role as dad with that child.

She said for her, being involved doesn’t necessarily mean financially, “[It’s] okay if you show up for him. If you’re not in a position to financially assist, show up for him.”

For those in a similar situation, Page advised that the parents should work to put the past behind them and, “try to sit down and find out what’s the best way [to co-parent]. Are we sharing the bills? Will you be seeing him on the weekend? Will you be at school functions? You guys don’t have to be together to support the child.”

Clinical psychologist Dr Pearnel Bell agreed that the best thing for the child is for the parents to mend [the emotional part of] their relationship.

“Getting along is going to be beneficial, because studies have actually shown that parents who try their best to be cordial during the separation and ultimately the divorce… have children who become psychologically well,” Dr Bell said.

She also advised parents who are looking to co-parent to create a schedule for visitation as this will help to provide a sense of stability in the child’s life.

This is advice followed strictly by Melanie S, who, after years in court fighting over custody and maintenance with her ex, was able to, in 2019, come to an agreement that works for everyone.

“I regret now that we couldn’t have come to an agreement sooner, because our daughter would have been affected less,” she said. “But I made my emotions get the best of me… my jealousy over his new relationship and his children from that relationship, and I kept him from our daughter for years, and now we’re trying to get those years back.”

Her daughter, now 12, spends summers and every other Christmas with her father and his family, and Melanie says they have reached the stage now where both families even have vacations together.

“If you see us now you’d never believe that we were at loggerheads in the Family and Supreme Court from our daughter was one, up to about age nine,” she said. “It was after I got married myself, and had other children, that the lightbulb went off, and I could see that my older daughter was suffering from the absence of her dad.”

Outlining other co-parenting tips, Dr Bell said parents should communicate directly with each other and not through the children, as this may become very stressful for the child.

“It is in the best interest of the child that the parents co-parent. There’s a break up and it may be difficult, so emotions are always going to be right at the forefront. When you are in an emotional state of anger, or sadness, or disappointment, you cannot make good decisions. It’s going to be decisions based on the emotional state that we are in, which are usually going to be irrational.”

Dr Bell also noted that some children might feel the negative effects of their parents’ separation and therapeutic intervention may be needed.

“They may be saddened by the separation and they may internalise,” she stated. “Their internalising may look like they do not communicate effectively with both parents, they isolate themselves, they may begin to self-mutilate because they are so emotionally charged. Parents need to also look out for mood swings, and both parents should address those symptoms that they are seeing in the child.

“They could seek some type of therapeutic intervention to help them to deal with the hurt and the pain they are experiencing so that they can come from a place of using wisdom in co-parenting their kids.”