Co-parenting with an antivaxxer

SEPARATED and divorced parents often have disagreements on parenting issues, but what happens when you’re co-parenting with an antivaxxer?

In many child custody and divorce agreements, it’s explicitly stated which parent is responsible for making decisions about the child’s health and medical care — whether it’s a decision shared by both (joint legal custody), or controlled by one (sole legal). So what happens when one parent is against their shared child being vaccinated, or is against being vaccinated in order to protect vulnerable members of the family, like the child who’s not qualified to get vaccinated?

In the United States, where vaccines are open to children 12 years and older, there have been numerous news reports that divorce attorneys have been litigating plenty of vaccine issues between ex-spouses. The consensus between lawyers is that judges usually side with the pro-vaccine parent, using medical science as a guide.

But the issue is more than just with children who are able to be vaccinated — what if, like what obtains in Jamaica, children are not yet eligible, but one parent is staunchly against even getting the vaccine themselves?

“The issue is not just your views on the vaccine, but what you’re exposing our children to, when you refuse to watch the science,” said Donnette R, who recently filed a motion in the Supreme Court to cease residential access to her ex husband, an antivaxxer who lives in the United States.

She explained that her two children are under court order to visit their dad during the summer and other holidays, but his anti-vaccine, anti-mask stance has her scared.

“Last year, during the height of the pandemic, I refused to send them to visit, and he threatened to take me to court for contempt. Last Christmas I relented and sent them, with instructions to be extra careful, and what they relayed to me when they returned was frightening.

“They said their dad told them masks weren’t necessary, that COVID was a myth, and had them out in public in crowds, camping and at festivals without taking any precautions. It’s just a miracle that they returned without testing positive, but a few weeks after they returned, he told me that he was sick.”

But she said that even after recovering from COVID, her ex still kept his stance on the vaccines and wearing masks, and though her older child is eligible to get the vaccine if she visits her dad, he said he won’t consent to have it administered.

“It’s literally like he wants them to catch COVID and get sick, because even with the rising numbers, and even after having caught COVID himself, he still wants them to come to the States, and still wants them to ignore the fact that we’re in a pandemic,” she said.

Hoping that the judge will side with her when the case is heard, and won’t cite her for breaching the court order that should have seen the children visiting their dad from mid-July, Donnette said her only interest is her children.

But the father’s attorney, who asked not to be named for this story, said he will be using the full extent of the law in his defence, as Donnette “continues to breach the court orders”.

“She cannot unilaterally decide that she has the children’s best interests at heart, when the court has already determined custody and access,” the attorney said.

“If she wanted a change to the order she has liberty to apply, and not defy the order for the father to have residential access to his children. That’s not her prerogative.”

Asked whether the pandemic, and the “medical emergency” would constitute grounds to deny the father access, the attorney was curt — “only an order of the court can quash a previous order, and we have just one order from the court, and that is for the father to have access at this time.

“While I sympathise with her position, the fact is that the children have not been ill under the father’s care, so all her concerns are mere conjecture.”

For Racquel S, the last year has been challenging co-parenting with her ex who is “both an antivaxxer and a religious fanatic”, but she said she’s finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.

“He spent a lot of time drilling into our son’s head all kinds of nonsense messages about the vaccines and mask-wearing, and just the pandemic in general, that it took me a while to get some sense into my son’s head,” she said.

“Because he adores and respects his father, he took what he was saying as gospel, and would laugh at my attempts to keep clean and sanitise, and of course everything was a hoax. It took his grandmother being sick in hospital with COVID for him to change his mindset about how dangerous COVID is.”

She said even though her nine-year-old son has been reformed for a few months now, and has been trying to point his father to the science, it was the threat of not migrating that turned her ex around.

“I pointed out to him that he would need the vaccine when his filing came through with his new wife, and when he realised that, his whole stance changed,” she said. “Now he’s encouraging all those he can to get vaxxed.”

What can you do if you’re co-parenting with an antivaxxer?

Counsellor David Anderson had these tips:

1. Go the legal route to get recourse. “If you need to go to court to establish what each parent’s responsibilities are towards the child’s medical health, then do that, no matter the expense,” he said.

2. Try appealing to the child’s good sense. “This may be hard with younger children, but older kids can be guided to wear masks and take precautions, even if their other parent is against it,” he said.

3. “The threat of the courts following the science and awarding more time or access to the pro-vaccine parent might spur the dissenter into action,” Anderson said. “So even threatening to take the matter to court may help.”

4. Mediation may be what you need to settle issues with whether your child will get the vaccine, and how the other parent will protect the child once they’re in their custody, Anderson said. “You may be surprised at the doors that mediation can unlock.”