4Damani founder Crystal-Gayle Williams shares her journey through pregnancy after infant loss

DAMANI Williams was born in September 2018 at just 24 weeks, and lived for two days. His mother, Crystal-Gayle Williams, founded 4Damani — an initiative aimed at acknowledging and supporting grieving parents and breaking the silence around pregnancy and infant loss in Jamaica. As Crystal-Gayle observed Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Remembrance Day with other grieving parents around the world on October 15, she did so with her rainbow baby and Damani’s little sister, Mila.

While little Mila slept blissfully, Williams sat down with Bomb Jamaican Mom virtually to share her journey through pregnancy after loss, delivery, and being a second first-time mom. She shared that, for over a year after Damani’s death, she and her husband decided to wait a while before trying to conceive again.

“We both decided it wasn’t time yet,” she said.

During that period Williams channelled her energy into building out the 4Damani community, and lobbying for more action on PAIL awareness in Jamaica.

“Since then, Jamaica has officially recognised October as PAIL Awareness Month, and our mamahood [private support group for bereaved moms] has grown in numbers, which is truly bittersweet, as it means more parents know the heartbreaking trauma that is baby loss,” she said. “We’ve also trained some health-care professionals in compassionate bereavement care and hope to continue doing so.”

At the beginning of 2020, on the advice of her doctor, Crystal-Gayle and her husband decided to try again. But after several unsuccessful months, baby-making started feeling less exciting and more like a chore. She also found out that a hormonal issue was lowering her chances of conceiving.

“But my awesome doctor reassured me and gave me some medication to help,” she recalled. “We tried to do things differently that month (wink) and I did a test the day before my period… And it came back negative.”

Disappointed but not defeated, she went about her week, planning to try again on the next cycle. But that period didn’t come. When she felt nauseous a week later and her mother jokingly commented that she was preggers (you know Jamaican moms are never wrong), her doctor instructed her to take another test first thing the next morning.

“On December 17, 2020 I woke up to pee and I decided to take the test at 4:30 am,” she recalled, precisely.

And the rest, as they say, was pregnancy. 

“I didn’t want to fall in love, only to say goodbye.”

Despite having had discussions about pregnancy after loss with other moms in 4Damani who had conceived after loss, nothing could have prepared Crystal-Gayle for the emotional journey she was about to embark on.

“We kept it to ourselves until I was 12 weeks pregnant,” she recalled. “I was anxious. I wanted to take a test every minute of the day. I remember seeing a blood streak one morning and I completely lost it. It was then I knew I needed help.”

She kept comparing this pregnancy to her first, and low-key expected to hear unfortunate news at every upcoming doctor visit. When she made it pass the 24th week (the week in which she gave birth to Damani) the anxiety grew even more.

“It was hard to fully enjoy it as I knew all the things that could go wrong. I didn’t want to fall in love, only to say goodbye,” she said emotionally. “Being pregnant and getting memories of what was three years ago was truly bittersweet.”

But, with prayer, a hiatus from social media, meditation, and the support of her husband, obstetrician-gynaecologist (OB-GYN), and community, the expectant mama learnt to temper the anxiety with optimism and faith. She embraced the changes her body was going through, and treasured every reassuring kick from Mila… even if each one of those kicks threatened to dislocate a few of the mother’s ribs.

Mila Williams was born on August 11 at 11:08 am via planned C-section. She weighed a kicking 5.5 lbs and spent no time in the neonatal intensive care unit.

“Other than being small because of genetics and my size, she was healthy as ever,” the mother shared joyfully. “When she was born, she had the loudest cries, passed her Apgar with flying colours, and latched within two hours of birth.”

But, while Mila won her battles one breath at a time, her mother was still fighting hers. Armoured with therapy, supportive words, and encouragement, the second first-time mom fought away the feelings of guilt and sadness that hung like a grey cloud over the joy of having a newborn.

“I know that this baby isn’t a replacement for Damani and I have all the love to give to them both. Having his sister here doesn’t mean he will be forgotten,” she said. “If anything, her presence amplifies his death. I find myself wondering what Damani would be doing now. I should have two living babies. It’s just the reality of a bereaved parent.”

Now two months into nappily-ever-after, you’ll find Crystal-Gayle and her husband learning the ropes of child care together.

“It’s nice having her all to ourselves because of the pandemic,” she laughed. “We miss sleep, but we are loving it. Someone told me that parenting is a cloud of tired bliss and it couldn’t ring truer.”

The Williams family will always be complete with big brother Damani playing his part.

“Mila has gotten Damani’s hand-me-downs, like any younger sibling would. Damani will always be part of our family. We still speak about him and we plan to tell her about her brother when she is older,” the mother shared. “I am still very passionate about 4Damani – this initiative is dear to our hearts and continues to be a great way to honour our son, and other angel children.”

Visit bombjamaicanmom.com for more stories like this one.