Broken people, broken relationships

JHENELLE complains that her husband of four years is now “emotionally unreachable”, having shut down after the couple had an argument recently. The argument began over something basic — who should pick up their baby from daycare that day, but it morphed into a full blown tirade from her husband, who accused her of being an unsupportive partner. Now weeks after the argument, though she has apologised, he has completely shut down, and even said, “Ok” when she asked if he wanted a divorce.

“I’m still not even sure what happened to cause him to be so mad, and to cause him to get to this stage,” she said. “I apologised even though I wasn’t wrong, thinking that would have helped, but it’s like I’m dealing with a broken shell of a man.”

She said though that the signs were always there — he had told her point blank that after losing both parents to crime when he was a teen, and enduring years of abuse and abandonment from family members who passed him around, he was unable to love anyone ever again. He had told her that he had closed his heart off after the funerals, to protect himself.

“But I thought that experiencing love with me, a marriage relationship, and children, that he would see the stability and open his heart, but apparently I was wrong,” she said.

Broken people have broken relationships. But how does one get past the pain, to have a fulfilling union?

“When someone who is broken tries to have a normal relationship without first seeking help, inevitably the relationship will suffer,” says counsellor David Anderson.

“Love alone won’t be able to fill the chasm that’s left behind by the hurt, and many times they’re just living a life of self-preservation — not really cognisant of what they’re doing. It’s like being through fire and just applying salve to the burn — you’ll need more care than that to fully heal, otherwise you’re just putting a band aid on a wound that’s festering underneath.”

What’s crucial he said is counselling, both individually and as a couple, so that the broken partner understands that they can’t use their partner as a crutch or a bandage — they have to heal themselves first.

“Have you ever wondered why your potential partner’s family insists on knowing your roots, where you’re coming from, who your people are, when you introduce yourself to them during courtship?” Anderson asks. “It’s because they want to know that you’re not coming with the kind of problems that are unfixable — bad seed, bad blood — that will tarnish their loved ones, and spill over onto any children you have.”

He said that there’s nothing wrong with a person entering a relationship with a broken partner, but that partner has to be willing to accept help.

“Without help it’s just a barrel going down a hill, rumbling and rumbling until it will crash and shatter into pieces,” he said.

It’s counselling that helped Rebecca’s marriage a few years ago, when they were at the point where they were making arrangements to divorce and sell their home, because her husband had entered “crisis mode”.

“He was obviously hurting from his mother abandoning him and moving abroad, and then filing for all his siblings except him, because he had aged out,” Rebecca said. “So having had his mother leave Jamaica when he was eight, and having missed the chance at a reunion, even when he got married and we had our own family, that little boy was still needing his mother.”

And, she added, it was a yearning that would affect every facet of their relationship, as he was always clingy and needy, and would break down at the slightest irregularity.

“I couldn’t take it anymore and I told him we had to separate and sell the house… I meant it as a scare tactic, but was surprised when he told me to do what I had to do. We were far in the process when he came to me and cried, and admitted that he needed help, and wanted to keep his family together.”

Said Anderson: “It’s never too late to get help, once both parties recognise the need for it. The problem occurs when they won’t admit the problem, and the problem keeps growing bigger and bigger, until it erupts and causes immeasurable pain.”