So your wife loves someone else…
MAYBE she knew the guy from high school. Possibly the fact that they’d been friends for so long caused a bond between them. After years of marriage it’s possible that a ‘blast from the past’ could threaten a marriage. Or it could be he had loved a lady for many years, but she had never noticed him until now, five years into his marriage? What then?
There are myriad reasons why a perfectly good marriage could be under threat from an old flame, or a new flame as a matter of fact. Actually, it is expected that every marriage will go through some threats to the union. If asked, some couples can offer a good story or two regarding near misses. Even great marriages have stories of “almost let go”.
As a premarital counsellor I prepare couples for all sorts of possibilities. “What will you do if your spouse falls for someone else?” This is, in fact, one of the questions asked in a premarital questionnaire designed by Dr Barry Davidson of Family Life Ministries: “What will you do when you discover he/she is romantically interested in another person?” He says “when” and not “if” — basically expecting that these challenges will come. And good counsellors do prepare young couples for that.
Now venture a guess at some of the responses to the question. They range from “hang them” to “pack my bags and go”. Some of the more prudent answers are, “Try to make him remember why he married me” to “try to discuss it with her”.
So, if your spouse fell in love with someone else, what would you do? A good woman who loves her husband can get embroiled in an emotional situation — and a good man too. Situations such as sickness or separation because of work or a period when the marriage had lost its fire have made spouses vulnerable. It’s why the Bible says in the book of Proverbs 4:23: “Keep your heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” It warns us to actively watch out in vulnerabilities such as these.
As with other threats to our health and happiness, a distraction seeking to drag a spouse away from a marriage can be difficult to deal with. It requires mature, strategic responses from both husband and wife. As I was told when I was getting married, “Marriage is big-people business”, and indeed it is. It’s for the mature, emotionally competent, the rational adult. Here’s another quote from the book of Proverbs 6:26, “The adulteress will hunt for the precious life.” It is saying that there are some that have okayed infidelity in their minds, who will actively entreat your spouse. Everyone needs help not to mess up at some point, it’s smart to remember that. If a marriage is anything it should be about supporting and securing each other from all threats — emotional or physical; especially in times of weakness.
So if she falls in love with Tom from high school, hubby, win her back. Don’t give up! Rescue your beloved from the dragon in yonder castle. And not by threats of violence either!
Missus, if he’s fallen for Shirley the secretary, don’t write him off, win him back. Yes you can! Now we know that there is a path that can lead to no return — if he or she has become sexually involved with the outsider. But thanks be to God, there are some stalwarts who have rescued their beloved from even those jaws of the predator.
Rev Christopher Brodber is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail him at chrisbrodber@yahoo.com.
