When sickness disrupts the bedroom bliss
I do tell couples that a healthy marriage has frequent sex. This is not unique to my counselling strategy. Yet, what often is unique to my sessions is the ‘twice a week’ recommendation — that has to be qualified of course. Situations do arise that something untoward can happen to disrupt good order. So what can a couple do to handle not being able to have frequent sexual activity? Can that relationship even survive, especially if the cause of the absence of sexual intercourse is illness? Thank God all things are possible — though the situation can be difficult.
A ‘sexless marriage’ is a marriage under genuine threat. Could you handle it if that was your reality?
We ministers of religion usually endorse and encourage the age-old vows at the altar for nuptials due to reasons such as these: “For better or for worse – In sickness and in health…” (because when you decide to marry, you decide to support your spouse). Marriage is big people business indeed! Yes, there are ways for a marriage to survive without the traditional sexual intercourse. Depending on the sort of illness, creativity and openness can save the day in that situation. This is why premarital counselling is an imperative, to make parties amenable to possibilities.
The Bible says in Hebrews 13 and verse 4, “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” This passage gives us an understanding that there is room for some blessed liberality in the bedroom (because adultery is not the escape in a sickness situation). So creativity can be deployed to satisfy sexual energy when sickness is the issue. You can get creative to satisfy each other’s needs. (Proverbs Chapter 5 verse 19b says, “let her breasts satisfy thee at all times”). Innovation and creativity can come to the rescue for both partners, once both are amenable.
For heaven’s sake, if this is a situation you find yourself in, do not be frustrated with your partner! Be patient, show understanding and maturity. Yes, sex is a genuine need — Dr Myles Munroe said, “A man doesn’t want sex, he needs sex”. Yet, I think women do need sex, too — maybe to a lesser extent, but willingness to be patient and understanding is for both husband and wife if sickness ever disrupts the bedroom bliss. Being patient with your spouse presents the opportunity for a very special form of intimacy to develop between the two as well.
Some sicknesses are not easily evident too. In a woman’s case, vaginismus is an uncontrollable condition that may not be easily discernable, yet it can cause a wife to have excruciating pain. It is not as obvious as a paralysis, but it can be just as debilitating in regard to sex. Mental illness is a real illness — depression can disrupt a couple’s sex life. Erectile dysfunction can happen because of high cholesterol, diabetes, high blood sugar, etc, and these might not be easily discernable but can pose real challenges to a couple’s sex life. There are also some permanent conditions which will ultimately require coping mechanisms for both parties.
Now while I advocate for patience, understanding and the use of creative measures, it is imperative that once recovery is possible it be sought early. If treatment is available, get it as soon as possible. It is unfair to your spouse if your condition is obstructing an ordinary healthy sexual relationship and it is treatable. However, couples in this situation, be patient, be creative, get available professional help and live happily ever after.
Rev Christopher Brodber is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail him at chrisbrodber@yahoo.com.
