Should we start marriage counselling before he’s divorced?
DEAR COUNSELLOR,
Thank you for this platform where I can freely speak to you. I have been in a long-distance relationship for quite a while and seemingly this man wants to share his future with me. He got married in the States to acquire his citizenship which he now has, and he told me that he’s now working on his divorce. He told me that he wants to get married to me ASAP after the divorce and so I suggested that we do counselling before we move on, which he agreed to. But somehow I don’t believe it’s something that he really wants to do. Do you think it’s OK to go ahead and start counselling before the divorce is finalised?
You are certainly welcome. Remember, you can always reach out for any further help needed. I also facilitate virtual sessions if needed. There are many well-trained, qualified persons standing ready to help you, or anyone facing difficulty. I often recommend that people reach out to Family Life Ministries and others such as Dr Carla Dunbar, Yolanda Lee and Kevin Bailey. Google makes locating these counsellors generally easy. Talking to someone about what you’re facing is generally smart. These are very trying times indeed. Many people are facing many really difficult issues, but help is always available and hope must never fade! It is encouraging to know that our Government will be launching a mental health initiative shortly, in order to help people cope.
It really is an untidy situation you’ve mentioned. Being in a romantic relationship with someone who is married, living overseas, and making future promises like that — you’re standing on a very fragile foundation. I really do not have much to go on based on what you’ve shared. However, you must realise that remaining in this relationship and hoping for a good outcome is a gamble. It may happen, but it’s a gamble that you must also be prepared to lose.
My advice:
Yes, get counselling: I am not now recommending premarital counselling, I am recommending general counselling. You’ll need to talk to someone to share in more details about what the arrangement is. You may be hanging on to his promises out of a fear of being alone, or a desire to relocate. And yes, if the relationship does progress and you do really plan to get married, certainly you’ll need to do premarital counselling. Premarital counselling is a must for any couple getting married. It is sad that marrying for citizenship is happening though. It diminishes the sanctity of the marriage institution. And when you easily divorce once, it’s perceivable it’s easier to divorce twice, etc.
Work on yourself: It may sound cliché, but it’s the smart thing to do. Whichever way this relationship goes, make sure you’re working on being able to stand on your own. Study, travel, save, work out — make a plan for your own measurable development. Make sure you’re not sitting and waiting on him to bring happiness and purpose to your life.
Have a social life: Get out, and go about. Make a schedule to try to go out to an event or activity at least twice per month. Do not restrict your social life because you’re waiting on him to come back or to bring you there.
Have friends: Make sure you have friends whom you are doing exciting things with. Everyone needs friends! Some people may think they don’t need friends, however, humans are social beings needing interaction. It is a very unhealthy place to be if you don’t have friends! People without friends can become an emotional burden to any single person they’re interacting with — a child, a parent, or even a spouse, can suffer at the cause of the friendless person, as it’s way too emotionally demanding.
I pray for you to have abundant wisdom and true happiness.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
