Mom devastated by bride-to-be daughter’s snub

Dear Counsellor,

I raised my daughter all by myself for the first 12 years of her life. When she was 12, I got married to her stepdad, who took on the father role without complaint. Her bio dad started showing interest at age 14, and she started visiting him. Over the years she formed a bond with him, his wife, and her paternal siblings. I have no other children. At 17 she left for college, and both families were still involved in her life. Now she’s 25 and getting married. She has chosen her stepmom to be her maid of honour, and her bio dad to walk her down the aisle. Myself and her stepdad are just guests. She said she means no ill will, but she and her stepmom have the “same tastes”. But I can’t help feeling betrayed. Am I wrong for feeling like an emotional wreck? To her credit, the stepmom told me that she’s also uncomfortable with the situation and is willing to step back, but my daughter insists that it’s her wedding and she makes the rules. My husband says I should just leave her be, and celebrate her marriage.

Your daughter has chosen to ask her stepmother and her father to play a prominent role in her wedding and this is hurting you. Yes, it is understandable that you’d feel perturbed. However, the truth is that she is correct. It is her wedding day. She needs your support. She must be given room to do what makes her happy. You are not wrong for feeling an emotional wreck. It’s an emotional time, she’s getting married. Yes, you want to revel in the excitement and experience of the day. It’s just your present perspective isn’t prudent. You’re seeing this as your daughter’s “preferring” that side of her family over you and your husband. You’ll need to adjust that thinking.

My counsel:

No victimhood: You’ve said you “can’t help feeling betrayed”, but you’ll have to try. Your daughter’s embrace of her dad isn’t a rejection of you and your husband. It can be her simple acknowledgement of a “novel” place they occupy in her life. You and your husband represent her “solid foundation”.

Enjoy the “victory”: You’ve raised a young woman who can make difficult decisions. Well done! You have given her the foundation she needs to make hard choices, such as this one. This is the success of your parenting. See how you’ve raised her to be woman enough, even to be getting married. Be her proud mother.

Make everyone comfortable: On the day of the wedding be a pillar of the event. The truth will be known as to who her foundation is. Your confidence will re-establish that. You can’t be just guests to the event. Because, should calamity happen on the day, chances are it’s your arms she’ll run to, and your counsel she’ll seek. So be present as a fail-safe for her. Beam with pride. Ensure her stepmother and father are also comfortable in their roles. Let them see that you’re comfortable in your role as “Overseer of all things” and backstop. And don’t fiddle. Just beam, and be willing to lend a hand when asked. No one can remove your status — you’re MOTHER.

Support her: You aren’t the first mother to struggle with a daughter’s decisions for her wedding day. It seems fairly common. Debates arise about dresses, guest lists, seating, roles and responsibilities, decorations, etc. What should be a happy day of love and support can become unhappy and a miserable experience for the bride. Show your support for your daughter. She’ll remember that in the future.

Congratulations! You’ve raised a future wife and mother. Lean into your role and the ones to come: mother-in-law, and possibly grandmother. You’ll always be her mother. So choose excitement and joy over shame or hurt. Be proud of her!

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.