Wife suspects hubby’s playing for the other team

Counsellor,

I am seeking your professional guidance regarding a sensitive issue in my marriage. I have become increasingly suspicious of my husband’s sexuality. This has caused me a great deal of confusion, anxiety and distress. I have noticed significant changes in his behaviour, including secrecy, more gay buddies, and him dropping his straight friends. When we are intimate, he has certain peculiarities that I can’t ignore. Certain comments and observations from friends and family have added to my concerns. It is difficult for me to dismiss my feelings. This has taken a toll on my mental and emotional well-being. I am struggling with feelings of betrayal, confusion, and a fear of the unknown. What should I do?

This is a concern that must be taken very seriously. I am appreciative of your openness. If you’ve been following my column you may have seen a similar suspicion expressed before. You are not alone.

Getting clarity is an imperative. And you’ll need to go about this prudently. Trust is a critical part of every relationship.

If your husband knows of your suspicion, he should certainly want that cleared up immediately. It can be quite offensive to a man if his wife thinks he’s gay or bisexual, and he’s not. But fear of offending him should not stop your investigation. A mature person will allay fears without raging. But yes, significant behavioural change in a spouse, especially in areas like sex and sexuality, is critical. #InterventionNeeded

My advice:

Stage an intervention: Gather trusted family and friends for a discussion with your spouse. Make the setting relaxed. Be careful not to seem to be attacking him. Do your best to make the atmosphere easy for him to share honestly and openly. Remember, the objective is to know the truth, it’s not a trial. Manage the session well. Let everyone share their thoughts, but let them know what the rules are and what the objective is. Let him know you need clarity for your safety. Let him know you will make a decision about the relationship in a specified amount of time. Schedule that time and plan to stick to it.

Consider your red line: Decide what will be your deal-breaker. Think of what will determine your exit. Do your best to ferret out the truth, but you’ll need to establish boundaries that you won’t cross, whether he acknowledges or not. Example: No change in his behaviour, continued secrecy, or continued unexplained sexual peculiarities.

Plan for the future: Think about what you will do if your suspicion proves correct. Put things in place for the possibility that you’ll need to exit the relationship. The
Bible qualifies the case for divorce as “sexual immorality” (Matthew 19:9 — some versions call it “fornication”. Plan also for the possibility that you were wrong.

Schedule counselling sessions: Whatever happens, you’ll need to talk. Both of you will need a few sessions. I highly recommend sessions that will allow you to strategise, and sessions that will allow him to change course, whether he is bisexual, gay, or not.

Get a check-up: Get a blood test done to ensure you’re okay. And until you verify sufficiently what’s going on, I recommend condom use, once you’re intimate.

I pray you’ll have a proper resolution, and the strength and wisdom to navigate this challenge.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.