A generational curse
Counsellor,
My partner and I have been discussing marriage and building a future together, something that I’ve always dreamed of. However, we’ve hit a heartbreaking obstacle. My partner’s parents are opposed to our marriage. Their primary reason seems to be rooted in their concerns about my family background. Unfortunately, my family has had our share of struggles, and I can’t deny that things are complicated. To put it bluntly, they are broken, toxic and dysfunctional. I’ve worked hard to overcome my share, but it feels like his parents are judging me solely based on where I come from, rather than who I am as a person. I love my partner, and he supports me through everything. But this rejection from his family has put a strain on our relationship. It’s hard not to feel inadequate, like I’m not worthy of their acceptance. I don’t want resentment or anger to take over, but I also want to stand up for myself and the life I’m working to build. How do I deal with the pain of being rejected by his family, because of this generational curse?
Understood! I can perceive how disappointed you must feel. It’s unfortunate that in this beautiful world such unpleasant things can happen among people. I remind folks, life very often is unfair, but God Himself is always good. Be encouraged! Before we delve into the dynamics of the situation, let me say that I pray that you do have “thick skin”, and that you are immovable from your ultimate goals.
I hope you know your worth and are confident in your potential. And I also hope you will not allow anyone’s opinion or words about you to determine your sense of self-worth. Take heart knowing that many people have stood in the same spot you find yourself in. And they have navigated their way out of self-doubt, self-pity, and thoughts of inadequacy. What others have done, so must you do too.
My advice:
Cancel self-pity: Knock it off! You shouldn’t entertain any feeling of rejection. Why give them the power to discombobulate you? Celebrate the fact that you have pushed through to the character you are proud of. That’s great!
Consider a “time-out”: It might be smart to take some time to go off by yourself to calm the emotional storm. Maybe take a weekend or longer to self-soothe. During this time remind yourself of what YOU want for yourself. Then determine a course of action. Be resolute about your push for the health and happiness found in self-fulfilment and self-development. Pamper yourself and make your plan!
Speak with his family: Speak to them with respect and let them know that you “understand” their concerns. But let them also know that you pride yourself in your own growth and development. Let them know that “however the cookie crumbles”, you’ll still be growing, going, and glowing! NOTHING will stop your STRIDE! Your family background hasn’t, nor will anyone else. You could mention a plan for a healthy marriage — significant premarital counselling, and you’ll have an accountability partner in your counsellor. And yes, please put counselling sessions in place. I would be happy to provide the service to you both.
Do not despise your relatives: Despite the brokenness, toxicity and dysfunction, don’t be ashamed of them. See the issue as their being misguided, misinformed and having misfortune. Pray for them and deal with them prudently.
Speak with your partner: Let him know that you want the relationship to work. Let him know you’re fine with doing the necessary prep-work to ensure a good foundation is laid for the marriage, and that you are expecting him to be a partner for mutual growth.
Stand up for yourself, with due respect, and you should be alright. Feel free to contact Counsellorscouch.com. Our specialty for premarital sessions is creating awareness regarding #Synergy, #Surprise and #Support.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
