Mom struggling with disciplining stepdaughter

Counsellor,

I’ve been married for three years, and we’re struggling to agree on how to discipline my 12-year-old stepdaughter. I believe in setting clear rules and consequences, but my spouse tends to be more lenient and often undermines my efforts to enforce boundaries. Her mother has also outrightly banned me from any form of discipline, and the child doesn’t hesitate to remind me of this.

This has led to tension between my husband and I, and confusion for my stepdaughter. I feel like the bad cop while my spouse tries to smooth things over, which only creates more conflict.

How can we find common ground and parent as a united team without straining our marriage?

So, you’re trying to navigate parenting your stepdaughter, with an “involved” mother. Yes, this can certainly be a challenging situation. And your stepdaughter hasn’t hit her teenage years yet. That may be another interesting period. But that said, many couples have navigated the exact situation successfully. Why shouldn’t you and your husband be able to as well?!

Yes, you’ll need to roll up your sleeves and pivot toward smart compromises. But I think you perceived that this could arise when you married your husband. You’d have known that you were becoming an instant mom, without the “familiarisation” period of having her from birth. And then the possibility of some “baby-mama drama”. However, like a strong woman, you signed up for the “instant-family” challenge. Premarital groundwork would have been good… However, you can still roll out smart techniques and the necessary tools.

My advice:

Create and sustain date nights: It’s going to be imperative that yourself and your husband keep strengthening your bonds. Children grow best on that foundation. Your stepdaughter will almost inevitably test the strength of your bonds. Her mother may possibly seek to put a strain on you both too. So, do the smart things to keep your love and romance hot and not strained. Date nights are a powerful way to keep your marriage passionate and resilient while facing challenges.

Perceive your husband’s challenges: He’s probably trying to show both you and his daughter that you both mean much to him. He’s probably also trying to keep the peace with her mother, so she doesn’t become more of a bother. He’ll have to realise though that there’s no way to do this without your equal say in what happens in your home. Agreeing on a parenting strategy is indeed a must. But be patient, he’ll need your love and understanding.

Be smart with your stepdaughter: She’s probably quite confused about life right now, and she’ll probably get more confused; until she’s a young adult and more mature. Chances are, a lot of what she’ll do and say you might have done too, if you were in her shoes. So be patient with her too. I’d suggest that you create good routines to be able to take a break, and to go enjoy yourself occasionally. You’ll need to blow off steam when it builds up.

Don’t abandon compassionate standards: Learn to compromise strategically with your husband. Yes, your stepdaughter can’t rule the roost. Discipline and clear rules are indeed important. And if compromise is seeming impossible, then your stepdaughter may need to go live with her mother. No, her mother should not determine rules in your home. But keep to “compassionate standards”, and major on what really matters.

Schedule counselling sessions: It helps to have support while you both figure this out. The intent is to help you both, so you don’t succumb to heated emotions, but that you’re able to make prudent decisions. There’ll be more figuring out to come, especially if/when you have your own children.

Don’t be discouraged, just do your best. No one can ask more of you. I pray for resilience and wisdom for you both. Reach out if necessary.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.