The men’s turn – Child free: Our choice

IN a world where parenthood is often seen as a natural progression of adulthood, more men are making the conscious decision to remain child-free. Whether it’s due to personal preferences, financial concerns, career ambitions, or a desire for greater freedom, the decision to remain without children is increasingly gaining traction, not only with women, as we explored in last week’s publication, but with men too.

However, despite the growing acceptance of different lifestyle choices, men who opt out of fatherhood often face intense societal pressure — from other men, women, and even family members — to conform to traditional expectations of masculinity and family life.

“For centuries, the notion of manhood has been closely tied to fatherhood. In many cultures, men are expected to marry, have children, and provide for their families,” said marriage counsellor Annette Palmer-Lowe. “This traditional view is often reinforced through media portrayals, social norms, and familial expectations. Rejecting this path can feel like a rebellion against deeply ingrained expectations.”

This is the experience of 41-year-old property manager Stephen Williams, who said not only has he been labelled a “gelding” among his male brethren, but his own family has piled on the pressure so much, that he stays away from family functions.

“Before, they were pushing marriage, but when they saw I wasn’t really interested, my mother kept saying that she just wanted grandchildren before she died,” he said. “The pressure was, and still is intense, but I have no interest in children of my own.”

From other men, there can be an unspoken pressure to “man up” and take on the responsibilities of fatherhood. For some, choosing to stay child-free can be perceived as avoiding maturity or shirking responsibility. The societal narrative often pushes the idea that men should derive a sense of purpose, legacy, and fulfilment from raising children.

“This pressure to ‘join the club’ can create a feeling of isolation or judgement, especially when it comes from peers who have embraced fatherhood,” Palmer-Lowe said.

It’s a feeling businessman George Harris, 38, is all too familiar with — he has virtually lost out on sustaining friendships with his group of friends from college, because they’re now all dads, and he doesn’t fit in.

“I can’t be invited to the birthday parties because it would be weird having some single “uncle” attend an event for kids, and I don’t even like kids that much, to be honest. So I find that I’m boxed out a lot, and they can no longer hang out as much, and so I’m a lone wolf.”

While men who choose not to have children can experience societal pressure from their male peers, they also face expectations from women. The assumption that all men want to have children is still prevalent, and some women may expect men to eventually come around to the idea of fatherhood, especially if they are in long-term relationships.

“In some circles, there’s still a persistent belief that a man’s value is somehow diminished if he doesn’t take on the role of a father,” said 40-year-old project manager Aaron Peters. “These contradictions in women’s expectations can leave men in a difficult position, trying to balance their personal desires with the hopes of those around them.”

Peters said initially he and his partner agreed that they would not have children, but then years after living together, with pressure from her family, she started pressuring him, and he was forced to end the relationship, “so she could find someone who better fit her life plans”.

Gray said for many men, the decision to remain child-free is often tied to a rejection of the traditional concept of legacy. Society has long equated fatherhood with the continuation of family lines, with children seen as a way to “carry on the name”.

“For men who are uninterested in this, there can be an unspoken sense of guilt or anxiety about not contributing to the future in this way,” he said.

But he said choosing not to have children offers men the opportunity to redefine masculinity in ways that aren’t tied to fatherhood or traditional roles. However, this freedom often comes with the challenge of navigating a world that still holds rigid definitions of what it means to be a man.

“Men who decide to remain child-free may find themselves seeking out communities or spaces where their choice is understood and respected. In doing so, they can form new definitions of masculinity that embrace independence, fulfilment, and individuality,” he said. “For these men, rejecting the pressures of fatherhood is not about rejecting responsibility, but about choosing a different form of fulfilment and self-expression.”

While society’s expectations of fatherhood can be oppressive, for many men, choosing to remain child-free is an empowering decision. It allows them to prioritise their personal well-being, careers, and relationships without feeling tethered to the traditional narrative.

Still, the road isn’t without its challenges, Palmer-Lowe said, whether it’s dealing with unsolicited advice, judgement, or societal misconceptions about what it means to be a man, the child-free man must navigate a landscape that still heavily values parenthood as the ultimate expression of adulthood.

“As society evolves, there is hope that men who choose not to have children will face less scrutiny and be allowed to pursue fulfilment on their own terms, free from the pressures to conform to traditional norms of fatherhood,” she said.