He wants to move his mother in
Counsellor,
My husband wants to move his mother in to live with us, and I am against this, because we have never gotten along. She is old and recently had surgery, and he wants her around so he can monitor her. She has six children, yet the burden for her care is on my husband, and ultimately me. I have told him I am uncomfortable, but he says it has to happen, because it’s his mother. He said if I’m uncomfortable he could hire a caregiver so I would have no interaction at all with her, but that’s not enough for me. I just don’t want her in my house, because I’m an introvert who loves my space, and I’m having a lot of anxiety over this. Can you help? I would never do the same, if the roles were reversed.
Your mother-in-law isn’t well and your husband wants her to be cared for in your home. Understood. Let’s start here: it really is important to be compassionate and to provide care for an ailing parent, especially in a time of great need. It is also important to honour them, as the
Bible says, mentioning God’s promises of attendant consequences of divine care for so doing.
It is also important to be very strategic. How you provide care for a parent while balancing your own family requires prudence. Yet, when a parent is ill, compassionate care has to be the default, even though the well-being of everyone in the house, especially a spouse, should also be considered.
It probably is very difficult and stressful for both your husband and you. He’s seeing his mother needing care, and you’re trying to protect your private space and family. Figuring out where to place emphasis certainly can be challenging.
I do not casually suggest facilitating a parent living with a married couple, especially if the marriage is fairly recent (under seven years). Strong marriages have failed because of this issue. And parental “intrusion”, in an adult context, is a thing. A parent residing there in a home puts various pressures on their child. It also usually means an open door for siblings, other relatives and their friends to drop in. And these individuals can come with a flurry of questions, comments, opinions and demands.
My advice:
Remember to be strategic: Speak to your husband and try to work with him. Work out a plan, giving him some leeway, knowing he’s under pressure. See if the arrangement can be temporary, and what other options there could be. Example, building a flat/room on the premises for her, or for her to share a place with a friend/s, or her siblings. Or possibly for her to live with peers, in a proper care facility.
Remember, it can really be temporary: If she stays with you, it can’t be forever, for obvious reasons. Your husband may be overwhelmed right now, knowing his mother may be looking at exiting the world. Be patient with him, and with his siblings. The arrangement could also be temporary if she recovers, then new arrangements might be made. #DoNotPanic
Remember to show compassion: Show genuine interest in her well-being. Showing interest could boost your relationship with her and with your husband. Try to forgive any past offences and issues between you both. Just see her as a person in need, that your husband desperately cares for. Also, put yourself in her shoes — what if you were in her situation?!
Plan to take breaks: If she comes there to live with you, figure out where you’ll catch a break. Make sure to also do things that you enjoy, with friends. Consider setting up your bedroom in a way that you can comfortably retreat there when necessary.
Kindness, patience, peace and compassion are usually great responses. And as is said, what we sow we reap — so defaulting to virtue is smart. I pray you both will find a comfortable compromise.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
