Could he be cheating?
Counsellor, I’m in my eighth year of marriage. I have a teenager from a previous relationship, and my husband and I have one child together. For about a year I’ve been having some major, horrible challenges with my teen, and basically shut down emotionally. I was in a very dark place, and neglected my husband, and he tried to reconcile on many occasions, but I shut him out, because I was incapable of dealing with my child’s issues, and my relationship at the same time. He resorted to pulling away.
Now the issues are resolved for the most part, and I am interested in rebuilding the marriage, but I think it’s too late. My husband has started going to the gym, coming home late, doesn’t initiate intimacy (we don’t sleep in the same bed), and the other day I packed my things to leave, and all he did was place his clothes and shoes in the empty drawers and closets that I cleared out. He gives the impression that he simply does not care. I’m too afraid of being rejected to try to initiate intimacy, since basically we’ve been living like room-mates, and I would be crushed if he rejected me. I don’t know if he has found someone else, as I’m just observing from the outside, and I’m not really sure.
You were in a difficult place and you were not open to your husband’s advances at that point. But now things have changed and you’d like attention from him again and a general fix to your marriage. Understood. It may be that your husband initiated his defence mechanisms to protect himself from rejection. He’s probably put up walls to protect his state of mind. It seems it’s a Catch-22 scenario. And he fears rejection and you fear rejection, so neither budges. Someone has to break the deadlock.
Relationships can be challenging indeed. And the most important relationships can be the most challenging. Staying together with the people you love, while enduring the vicissitudes of life, isn’t easy. This is a reason behind the Cross of Christ, to give the wherewithal to navigate the changing seasons and situations in life. Yes, forgiveness is important in situations like yours. Both of you will need to forgive each other. As Christ did, someone will have to sacrifice and lay down their pride in order to try to fix this.
My advice:
Humble yourself: If you perceive that you pushed him away, then the onus is on you to try to reel him back in. You can’t hold onto the fear of rejection. If you think you broke it, do the work to fix it; yes, even though you were going through a tough time at the time. Try talking with him and let him know how you really feel.
Be strategic: There’s a movie called 50 First Dates. In the movie, Adam Sandler’s character had to be strategic to win over Drew Barrymore’s character every day. She’d had a short-term memory loss problem, so, in his love for her he’d reintroduce himself to her every day, in order to win her over. You can arm yourself with that kind of diligence. If you can be strategic enough, and consistent enough, you should be able to break down his walls. You’ll have to want to push hard, and be creative.
Forgive him: Whatever he’s been up to, understand it’s his “walls”. Men hurt deeply too. While you may not be able to forget, I certainly hope you can forgive. We all make mistakes. And you’ll need him to forgive you too.
Get counselling: A romantic flame is like any natural flame — it requires constant fuel to stay alive. Someone has to do the hard work to keep the fire going: Chop the wood, buy the gas, buy the charcoal, whatever. Counselling can help you to be motivated and skilled at fuelling that fire. Counselling should help you understand each other’s state of mind and create pathways to move forward. If you’d like, you can always reach out to me for further assistance.
I pray that you’ll be able to roll up your sleeves and navigate through the difficulties back to a happy home.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
