Fiancée’s mom is too involved
Counsellor,
I’m getting married to my fiancée in a few months. I’m worried about how close she is with her parents — they do everything for her, and are involved in every area of her life. She said when we have our first child she wants her mother in the room, and she wants her parents to move in with us for the first few weeks. Obviously she doesn’t plan to cut the cord, and I fear that I will be a fourth wheel in my marriage forever. Should I run now, or try to work it out?
Your fiancée is heavily dependent on her parents and wants to still lean on them after you get married. Understood. No! Nope! No, sir! Not good! You have a right to be worried. Your fiancée doesn’t sound as if she is quite ready to be married. I recommend that you get her a copy of my book So You Wanna Be A Wife. It’s available on Amazon.com. Marriage is for the mature. It is for adults who understand responsibility, independence and interdependence. Nope. She’s not ready just yet.
While there is some truth to “marry me and you marry my family”, what you’ve described is not that, and is overboard. The correct family involvement in a couple’s life is limited to them providing a social support structure, for occasional advice and emergency support. Not that they become your bedfellows, live-in helpers or nannies. No! Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh”. And that also applies to wives — leave “father and mother” and cleave to your husband. This is for spiritual and social reasons and for personal development.
Parents should not move in, not even for the first “few weeks”, except in an exceptionally odd case of emergency. I’m not suggesting that you “run now” from her, I’m suggesting that you “run now” to premarital counselling, before taking another step toward nuptials. Nope. She’s not ready just yet! #RedFlag
My advice:
Pause for a cause: I think you’d want at least another six months of preparation before tying the knot. If you love each other and want a marriage to work, pause to properly prepare. Here’s some things to do:
1) Watch informative videos, such as Mark Gungor’s video on YouTube called “A Tale of Two Brains”. The long version has to do with understanding each other and the differences between the sexes.
2) Seek out good audio and literary material, like those from the Gottman Institute. You could also get their material on “The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse of Marriage”. That has to do with proper communication.
3)Seek out effective premarital counselling. You both will need to find synergy regarding expectations and responsibilities. She’ll need to understand what you need a woman / a wife to be, and you’ll need to make sure you understand what she needs a man / a husband to be. She’ll need to understand the importance of separating from her parents and bearing responsibilities and making decisions without them. (I offer an in-depth premarital counselling package.)
Speak to her: Let her know how critical it is for her to figure out being on her own and being independent of her parents. Let her know it’s the only way you can proceed. You may also need an ultimatum. Let her know you appreciate her parents, but if you are to build your own family it has to be done by you both.
Stick to the standard: Establish for yourself what your deal breaker will be. You don’t want to just proceed without addressing this #RedFlag waving before you. Yes, it can be painful if you walk away, but it can be even more painful if things fall apart later down the road.
I pray you will find the strength and wisdom to navigate this situation.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
