Friend stole my husband
Counsellor,
I introduced a so-called friend to my husband and she now tells me that she doesn’t need my friendship anymore, she prefers to talk to my husband because he makes her feel good. I’m uncomfortable with the situation because she calls him every day for at least an hour and she doesn’t call him if she thinks I’m around. This woman blocked me from her status and is posting pictures of my husband. Recently, I had to step in and deal with the situation aggressively. Do you think I overreacted?
You certainly have a right to feel very uncomfortable with the situation, especially if your friend has explicitly told you that she doesn’t need your friendship anymore. Sure, alarm bells should be blaring at this point! This is your husband, why would she feel that he should make her feel good? And I’m wondering why she would think you would be okay with this.
Husbands and friends need to know that cheating isn’t only physical/sexual. Cheating happens on an emotional level too. A “friend” should not be providing a spouse more comfort, entertainment and intellectual stimulation than their partner. That’s a problem. You’ve said, “she calls him every day for at least an hour”, this means he is/was getting some benefit out of their conversations.
This may not be your case, but unfortunately well-meaning wives have invited “friends” into their homes, only to realise that their “friends” weren’t trustworthy. Women do need to prudently protect their spouses from sinister bedroom bandits. Think twice before letting voluptuous, skimpily clad, indisciplined friends into your home. Watch out for allowing your girlfriends to spend lots of time in your home or alone with your husband. This doesn’t absolve husbands; if they get involved with a bedroom bandit, they must bear responsibility for their own bad choice.
My advice:
Speak to your former friend: Let your her know you disapprove of what she’s doing and let her know that you are taking steps to cut off all contact between her and your family. I don’t know how you dealt with the situation “aggressively”, so I can’t say if you overreacted. However, I’d hope you don’t mean that you used violence — no man warrants you getting physical on their behalf, in such a case. If you lick down somebody and get locked up, it solves nothing. It may be that they are free to carry on while you do time behind bars. Never violence, always common sense. Walk away if you must. Don’t destroy your future because of someone else’s bad behaviour. No one must control your destiny but you.
Speak to your husband: Let him know you are disappointed at the situation. Don’t attack him. Ask him about the content of the daily, hour-long conversations. Ask him if he feels like there’s something missing in your relationship. If you think you overreacted with how you aggressively dealt with the situation, then apologise. If he identifies any area where there is a shortfall in your marriage, make an effort to fix it. Ask him to stop the chats and to cut contact with your former friend. Tell him you think she’s threatening your marriage and ask him to block her number. Let him know you’ll be paying attention to what happens to determine what your next move will be.
Change your actions: Make sure to fill the void strategically. There may be a need for you and your husband to spice things up in your marriage. Don’t just be angry with him. Use this opportunity to be creative to fire things up. Consider planning a trip with him. Maybe buy some new sleepwear. Yes, remind him of what he’s got with you.
I pray that you are strong enough and skilled enough to strategically secure your home again.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
