Karma for an old-time cheater
Counsellor, My husband did a lot of things to me when our marriage was young, including having three children outside with three different women, and scandalising me, to the point where one of the women even showed up to my children’s school during pick-up time, and embarrassed me. These scandals and abuses went on for years and years, while I played the dutiful wife, despite everything. Now we’re older – I’m 47 and he’s 58, and he has diabetes and high blood pressure and can’t perform in the bedroom. I feel like this is his karma, and I have told him so. He expects me to be his nursemaid, but would I be a horrible person if I just took half of everything and left now? Our children are in college, so I have nothing tying me down.
You’ve endured disrespect and embarrassment from your husband during your marriage and now he’s ailing and you’re considering leaving. You’re wondering if doing that would make you a bad person. Understood. I’d think that many people reading this probably can feel your pain. There’s probably some that are quite ticked off or even triggered by your story. You have certainly endured betrayal and disrespect. And no one should think to simply lambast you for enduring that.
No, you are not being a bad person for assessing things. It is quite okay, and right, to consider your future, with the intent to make smart decisions. Forget the notion of being a “horrible person”. You are in a class of super-tolerant wives that few occupy. Yet he obviously is indebted to you, and owes you a deep apology. I’d hope he can offer you his gratitude and a sincere apology, without trying to influence you to stay. He’s done some “crime” and should expect to do some “time”.
The sacrificial service you’ve given to your family is commendable. But being wise would be commendable too. The Bible says, “You shall love your neighbour as yourself” (Mark 12:31-NKJV). So, love and take care of yourself – you are also a beloved child of God, charged by your creator to care for the temple He’s given you, which is your body. As they say on a commercial flight, “Put the oxygen mask on your face first”. So ensure your health is intact mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
I’m not saying abandon everyone and everything to pursue a life of self-service and self-centeredness. I’m suggesting that you ensure you’re well enough to help yourself, and others, most appropriately. Let me say, I have created a forum to assist couples with their relationships and marriages, called “Just for us” — a special marriage seminar for April 25th. Consider registering. Knowing what some presently beautiful marriages have overcome, would amaze some naysayers. Resilience, commitment and patience can at times work wonders for some relationships.
My advice:
Strengthen yourself: It’s probable you don’t have much self-confidence or self-esteem right now. You’ll need to work on that! And don’t allow anyone to make you feel low for enduring the situation in the past. You’re smart to be assessing choices presently.
Forgive him: Forgive him because you can’t forget what he’s done, and you don’t want to live weakened by bitterness. He has been weak and has made poor decisions. He’ll have to navigate his own way back to a healthy mind, soul and body. You have to navigate your way.
Chase your choice: Whatever you choose to do, don’t be ashamed. Make a decision and pursue that path confidently. It’s your choice! You choose, and walk and work that path with strength, strategy and conviction.
The Bible qualifies sexual immorality as a potential case for divorce. That’s the possible dealbreaker. You certainly have the right to choose. I pray for your own healing, and also for your strength and wisdom. And I also pray for his repentance and transformation. May the rest of your life be the best of your life!
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
