How to help your husband when he’s not a good lover

WHAT do you do when you love your husband, but you are not happy with what is happening in the bedroom? Maybe he is a good provider. Maybe he is a good father. Maybe he is kind, hard-working and committed to the family. But when it comes to intimacy, something is missing. And you don’t know how to tell him without hurting his feelings.

Let me say this first: Being a good lover is not simply about sexual technique. It is also about paying attention, communicating, being affectionate and caring about your partner’s experience.

Some men were never taught how to talk about intimacy. Some grew up believing that sex is something a man is simply supposed to know how to do. Others may have become comfortable over the years and stopped paying attention to what their wife needs.

That doesn’t mean the marriage is doomed. Sometimes, people simply need to learn each other.

1) Start with a conversation — not a complaint

One of the worst things you can do is wait until you are frustrated and then tell him, “You don’t know what you’re doing.”

That conversation probably won’t end well. Instead, choose a time when you’re both relaxed and talk about intimacy outside of the bedroom.

You might say, “I love you, and I want us to become even closer. There are some things I’d like us to talk about because I want our intimate life to be better for both of us.”

Notice the difference? You’re not attacking his manhood. You’re inviting him into a conversation about your marriage.

2) Tell him what you like

Ladies, sometimes we expect our husbands to read our minds. He touches you one way and you wish he would do something differently, but you say nothing.

He thinks everything is fine. Meanwhile, you’re lying there thinking, “Is this all?”

Your husband may genuinely not know what you need. So tell him. Gently guide him. Let him know what feels good and what doesn’t. Don’t assume that because you’ve been married for 10 or 20 years, he automatically knows everything about you. People change. Bodies change. Desires change. You have to keep learning each other.

3) Don’t embarrass him

If your husband is already insecure about his sexual ability, criticism and comparison will probably make things worse.

Never compare him to another man. You can be honest without being cruel. There is a big difference between saying, “I need more affection and connection,” and saying, “You’re terrible in bed.”

One opens a door.The other closes it.

4) Look beyond the bedroom

Sometimes what happens in the bedroom is connected to what happens outside of it. If you haven’t talked all day, you’re constantly arguing, you’re carrying resentment, or you feel emotionally disconnected, it can be difficult to experience intimacy. Ask yourself: How are we doing as a couple? Are you affectionate during the day? Do you laugh together? Do you spend time alone? Do you feel emotionally safe with each other?

Intimacy doesn’t begin when the bedroom door closes. For many couples, it begins with how they treat each other throughout the day.

And if he won’t listen? This is where things become more serious. You can teach. You can communicate. You can encourage. But you cannot improve your marriage by yourself.

If you repeatedly tell him what you need and he dismisses you, refuses to talk about it or simply doesn’t care about your experience, then the problem may be bigger than sexual compatibility. You may need the help of a qualified marriage counsellor or sex therapist who can help both of you have a healthy conversation.

And please, don’t be ashamed to seek help. There are couples who have spent years silently unhappy because they were too embarrassed to say, “We need help in this area”.

There is nothing wrong with learning. Marriage is a lifelong journey of learning each other, growing together and making adjustments along the way. So ladies, if your husband isn’t a good lover, don’t immediately write him off. Talk to him. Teach him. Be honest with him. Be patient with each other. And remember, intimacy is not a performance where one person wins and the other loses. It is a shared experience. Your needs matter. His feelings matter. And your marriage matters.

Sometimes what you thought was a hopeless problem is simply a conversation you two need to have.

Marie Berbick is a certified master life coach, women’s transformational coach, ordained minister, author, motivational speaker, wife, mother and big sister dedicated to empowering women to heal, thrive and walk in purpose. Connect with her at www.marieberbick.com or e-mail marieberbick@gmail.com.