STILL depressed about the lost beauty crown? Anyone who knows Jamaicans will realise that we don’t like to hear the word “loser”. We don’t lose, even when we come in last. Our dictionary begins and ends with “WIN”. We might miss the tape by a skench here or there, but don’t say the word “lose”. Watch how you talk about us.

Since Sunday night, the theory of “cyaan lose” is being put to the test, as puzzled J.A. people ponder why the Miss Universe crown has not been on its way here. Why isn’t a commission of enquiry announced yet? Something of less importance might have been permitted to take the spotlight as we ask how could our latest Jamaican beauty queen, who we were confident would come home wearing the crown, not have such an honour? Eeh? You see now why there must be an investigation? We don’t have to pay a big money for fees. To do otherwise would be to fail the nation. Why aren’t we seeing more preposterous theories of why Miss Fennell is not accessorised with a crown?

Let me share with you my emotions of last Sunday night. Despite the call of sleep beckoning, I stayed up to watch the telecast from Florida. It began for me when Miss Kaci hit the stage in sleek, no-nonsense swimwear and flashed her elegant look past the judges. There was no doubt that this was one elegant filly. Who could doubt that she was bound for the winner’s circle? Not for her a bundle of store-bought hair. She was unique staying away from manufactured locks. The future Miss Universe, according to the calculation of the nuff-nuff Jamaicans, demonstrated what is class.

Miss Kaci knew how to work it. She held her well-shaped coiffure high, to sweep across the stage, without curls. She could not be confused with a Latin doll? When they came to the evening gown parade, everybody else was playing Cinderella with trains and pouf and fluff, here came our “candidate” slim as a pencil, elegant in red lace, flashing a smile every now and then. Oh, she looked good. Serious ting, serious ting!

This was no everyday beauty, skilled in culinary arts. She was not only pretty, she can cook! Of course, that’s important. No other beauty on Sunday night could claim such knowledge. That’s why we knew she would win. We were already planning for the float parade from east to west and north to south of this island. Her giant headdress of feathers aplenty was a bit excessive, but that didn’t mean she was not winnable. The future Miss Universe, according to the calculation of the nuff-nuff Jamaicans, were ready for the crown.

Then the moment came. To our amazement, the judges had fallen for curly locks in apparent desperation. To maintain legitimacy they came up with the appalling title of fourth runner-up. Wha dat? Could you believe it? The crown was not ours. Alas and Alack!

Some people are still arguing whether our Miss Kaci’s answers to the judges’ question about what we had given to the world, might have needed some polishing, but Miss Kaci held to her recommendation of who were Jamaica’s gifts to the world. Yes, we check fi Usain Bolt and Bob Marley. Yes, we, or some a wi, are proud to hear Marley all over the world. Yes, to many he continues to be the voice of the century. Any country which didn’t know about Marley and or Usain Bolt, should not be allowed an opinion on any occasion. Some a wi laugh at the thought of a Marley and a Bolt being gifts to the world but Miss Kaci took pride in her countrymen and so did others. In fact, the world would be a better place if Miss Universe would be spelled J-A-M-A-I-C-A.

So, Miss Kaci didn’t bring home the beauty queen award, but look again. The cool, calm and collected one may yet reap bigger rewards than we could possibly believe. Imagine her on the cover of Vogue, where she really belongs. Who knows? In any case, she may not have won the crown but she certainly won social media! The Vogue cover may yet become a reality.

STRANGE HAPPENINGS:

Dumb-dumbs whose pastime is criticising Mrs Obama couldn’t stop running up their idle mouths that she wasn’t draped in a headscarf when she went with her husband to pay tribute upon the death of the Saudi King. Foreigners are exempt from the mandatory drapery, but dem still tek set pon Mrs Obama.

OMG!

Message received… condemning Jamaican immigration officer who discovered Mr Bogle had no visa to get back into Britain. Discovery made, the correspondent said, because Immigration too “fass”. Never heard such rubbish in my time…What do we understand about the designation “stateless”? Would we have been satisfied if the man was turned back at Heathrow?

gloudonb@yahoo.com