IT was the great William Shakespeare who said, “A rose by any other name is just as sweet” and while we totally agree with his summation on names, we must admit, however, that when it comes to reggae/dancehall artistes and the names they take unto themselves, we can bet that even the Bard himself would have had to re-consider his words of wisdom.

The fact is, just hearing some of these names, you instantly know that you don’t even want to hear their songs. And, here’s the catch — these artistes with some of the weirdest names, which defy pronunciation, sometimes have really good songs. According to one entertainment writer, “When I heard the name Gappy Ranks, I thought to myself, ‘Really, what exactly is a Gappy Ranks? Does he have a gap in his teeth?'”

And then there are gems like Skengeh Uno, Zamunda, Zebiki, Guinea Peppa, Cheese Trix, Million Teeth, Fyah Blazer, Peas Head, Chappa John, Saaba Tooth, and the likes. What for example, is a Munga Honourable?

It’s names like these why we are respectfully requesting that JACAP, or some other recognised body, set up an arm within its organisation that will oversee and control these monikers that artistes come up with. Had it been in place, then names like Assassin, could not have gone through the musical gate. We are happy to see, however, that after spurning sound advice for so many years, this act is now trying earnestly (and in vain?) to change his name to Agent Sasco or something like that. We suppose an assassin is not exactly the image for one who is attending university and trying to be upwardly mobile. And, honestly, he’s really no assassin.

Anyway, back to the application for monikers and the naming committee. A very basic application form is needed — artiste’s real name, the moniker(s) he/she would like and the third slot is reserved for the moniker decided on by the committee. The application form, along with a fee of $100 must be submitted to the committee, which should meet twice per month, depending on the number of applications received.

Interestingly, throughout the years, artistes have had a special fascination with names taken from the animal kingdom and the dancehall is peopled with an amazing array of puss, dawg and the likes and there is even a song proclaiming that “the animal style is wicked and wicked and wild”. Nonetheless, it would be nice if upcoming artistes resist the temptation to morph into animals.

Here are the animal kingdom artistes whose monikers speak for themselves: Eek-a-Mouse, Red Rat, Daddy Lizard, Tiger, Mongoose, Kangaroo, Elephant Man, Zebra, Super Cat, Junior Cat, Silver Cat, Snagga Puss, Pretty Kitty, Bling Dawg, Snatcher Dog, Lion, Red Fox, Blak Rhyno, Cobra and Red Dragon.

Here are some of the names we already have for the committee’s consideration:

Shango Trex

Actually, Capleton is the only King Shango and the only kind of Shango allowed ’round here. Trex sounds like a pre-historic creature.

Name change needed.

Jempress: Obviously Jampro and Empress were already taken so this artiste decided on Jempress. Name change advised.

Inoah: I know a … place? I know a … name that needs to be changed

Higher Roar: Is he from the animal kingdom?

Thugsy Malone: A name change from Bugsy Malone led to this gem.

Bang Diddy: Wow! Is this a western movie ode to the Bad Boy Label boss?

Spready Glory: A gospel moniker gone wrong perhaps?

(Please see complete list in the Weeken’ Chat!)