Things are not, as well you know, straightforward as they used to be, and with the cost of finishing school — not to mention the cost of maintaining fabulocracy — SO reckons that an intervention a few weeks before Christmas will afford chicsters a refresher course and those in-waiting a veritable edge.

Deciphering the Invite

Casually Elegant

There really is no such dress code but since it keeps turning up, it’s best that you pick up the phone and call to find out exactly what the host is thinking. Either way, Michael Kors, Christian Louboutin or Jimmy Choo will work.

Lounge Suit

If you’re part of the corporate terrain, then the suit (although this year it’s all about the dress) and the ‘Mrs O’ cardi or the Donna Karan wrap will dictate how you style for the evening. Tell the men to leave on the jacket and tie.

No washrags allowed, no braces and belt (it’s one or the other) and, for style’s sake, remove the tag from the sleeves. We know it’s yours and that you paid for it so there’s no need to walk with the receipt!

Black Tie

No cocktail dress and hair under the arm, on the face or legs for that matter. Wear a long fabulous gown that truly rocks and since accessories are an absolute must this season, you won’t feel left out if the gems aren’t Hearts on Fire. Your date ought to be styling beside you in a tuxedo — that’s right, cummerbund and all. The bow tie shouldn’t fasten with velcro but should be tied elegantly by hand.

BTW, that leads us to the question of how to wear a suit:

o Two buttons: leave one open

o Three buttons: leave two open

o Double-breasted suit: when seated, ease one button; when standing, close the button. This suit ought not to be swinging.

o The tie should kiss the belt

o Pockets ought not to be bulging

o White socks are for tennis not for a frappé at Susie’s.

Caribbean Chic

Chicsters do this brilliantly, and white is always a winner, although colour works well too… long and flowing or short and flirty. A pedicure is a must ahead of sliding into your Tory Burch.

If your mate is style-challenged suggest a tailored shirt (in linen or cotton). Chicsters are never seen in public with aliens in poly blends with rotten teeth not to mention the chain over the shirt Hello!!.

How to get on the right guest list

Post-Olint and Cash Plus, it’s now a lot more difficult and with vehicles being seized on a daily basis, you fully understand why security and security are at an all time high. But if you can swear to have had recent Holy Communion from and/or dialogue with Father Albert, and access to David Smith’s stash then you’ll make it.

Whose List:

Chris and Kimberly Issa — no silly, not the Rotary functions — the private soirees.

Weekends in Portie with the Stewarts, the Lechlers and Gary and Tina Matalon.

Sailing with the Blades.

Holidays in the Bahamas with the Bicknells.

Intimate dinner parties with the Kerr-Jarretts.

Any event at Hart House, Tryall Club.

Weekends in Cayman chèz Hugh and Pam Hart.

Access to Mr & Mrs Gulu Chanrai.

Bahamas, Florida (or wherever) with Lorna Myers.

St Barts with the Watsons and the Bovells.

Any homeowner in Discovery Bay.

Lennox Lewis and Usain Bolt

Storm, Ras Kassa, Sean Paul, Shaggy or Ard Jarrett

Where to be seen:

Susie’s midweek, looking terribly bored in-between forkfuls of quiche.

Cannonball Manor Park for late coffee.

Page 2.

Adolfo’s on a Friday.

Strawberry Hill midweek enjoying a post-spa lunch.

Round Hill in the winter.

Half Moon Fern Tree Spa.

Who to be seen with:

PB Scott

Amber Vicens-Stewart

Rosina Casserly

Janette Stewart

Ian Levy

Brian George

Paul Hoo

Patrick Casserly

Vincent Chang

Alva Anderson

Chris Dehring

Charlene Robertson

Racquel and James Moss Solomon

Tara Playfair

Sean Paul

Cecile

Lady Saw

Tanya Stephens.

How to know when you’re with a CHEAP man

He chats a lot and keeps darting from group to group. Naturally, he disappears when it’s his round.

Complains about the price of everything (yes, even a plantain tart at Susie’s).

Has never been to Norma’s on the Terrace and never orders bottled water.

Gets all excited during Restaurant Week (no mention is made then about his so-called need for fibre which doesn’t usually extend beyond callaloo and green bananas).

Not into a committed relationship but his best dining experiences are weddings (it’s called free food)

Insists on meeting you at Frenchmen.

Knows all the hot spots where ladies enter free.

Chicster Etiquette 101

If invited to a cocktail party that starts at 7:00 pm and ends at 9:00 pm, arrive by 7:30 and leave by 8:30-8:45.

If cocktails are followed by dinner, arrive in time to be seated for dinner.

If you miss a course, don’t ask the wait staff to bring what you’ve missed… go with the flow.

Handbags are to be placed either on your lap or behind your seat, NEVER on the table.

Doggie bags are a no-no at a formal dinner, as is a request for foil for your dessert or to take home dog food for that matter. If at a restaurant and you’re footing the bill, however, then you can certainly have the rest of the food packaged to go.

Don’t help the wait staff to serve you. What we mean is: leave the plates alone. Do not pass them.

Treating the wait staff badly “fetch this” “fetch that” speaks to being one of those “Never see, come saw”. If you’re a social heavyweight the wait staff already know your preferred beverage.

Closing your knife and fork would indicate that you are finished and is a signal to the waiter that he/she can clear your space.

Eat with the fork tines down.

Your roll is found to your left. It’s not to be cut but broken (one bite-size piece at a time), buttered and eaten… in other words, no hamburgers, please!

If the person beside you takes your roll, ignore it! Make a mental note. There’ll come a time when you can get even.

If you’re seated at an eight-seater, the bread basket will contain exactly eight rolls so — like, duh! — do not take two!

How to identify a gentleman

After an evening out, he ensures you get home safely.

Offers to order with brilliant aplomb.

Gets up when you arrive and allows you to sit first.

Knows his way around a menu and a wine list.

Never suggests you go ‘Dutch’.

If he sees you out, immediately offers to buy you a drink.

Wears a good watch and shoes.

Nails are manicured, clothes are clean and, most importantly, has a relationship with his dentist.

Knows that his soup spoon is the round one, the dessert spoon the pointed one and that he’s to remove the teaspoon ahead of drinking his coffee.

Understands that it’s okay to position his napkin accordingly to protect his silk tie.

Would never use his napkin to blow his nose, remove perspiration or buff his shoes.

Clearly — picks up the tab.

And a chicster

Orders what she’s used to eating and is used to Champagne.

Knows Europe.

Works, regardless of the trust fund.

Reads widely and is able to discuss a wide range of subjects.

Understands the importance of a good education, style and substance. And that CNN and the BBC are as important as E! TV and Oprah.

That a weave should look and feel like her own hair, hence the need for a professional stylist on speed dial.

Understands that public scenes are a definite no-no.

Knows the importance of moving on after a failed relationship — without venom.

Knows that et ux might not necessarily be her and that 50 per cent might very well be what she knows about though not necessarily what he’s worth.

Knows the currency attached to the Second Wives Club but also the reality of the Third.

And most of all, that less is still more and confidence is still the biggest turn-on…Sex might not be brilliant but he takes telling and is an absolute gentleman.