So shall you share

All that he does possess,

By having him

Make yourself no less.

— Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet 1, 3

SOMEHOW the words share, possess, having and less, seem to stand out in the above quote. Maybe they resonate well with that special breed of woman who is the bane of all brides, the nemesis of wives, the enemy of the Mrs and the foe of the fiancées.

I’m talking about the mistress, and not just the occasional or accidental mistress, but the mistress by vocation, the professional. She’s the woman who makes it her sworn duty to always be the third wheel in a relationship, never a wife, but still causes trouble and strife. But first, let’s hear what they had to say about Unfaithfully Yours.

Tony,

The one unfaithful person you left out was the wife who cheats and gets pregnant, tells the husband it’s his child, watches the two bond together, knowing full well he’s ‘hugging up’ another man’s child. That takes a very special woman to live a lie every day and ‘feel no way’ about it. I believe some even find it amusing. The Family Court reports that 34.5 per cent of the men tested in Jamaica are not the fathers of the child (one out of every three) so it seems we got many ‘special’ women in Jamaica.

Lanny

Hi Tony,

You’ve probably done it already, but I wish you’d do an article on the hypocrisy of those who are unfaithful. I was involved with a married man for three years who left me because I went out with a male co-worker one night to a work event. Not slept with, not kissed, not even so much as gave a thought to either one. Then he says to me that the most important things for him in a relationship are fidelity and loyalty… I guess in his mind, loyalty is only required of the other person.

DG

Tony,

You should get the Observer to run a poll on the subject. The poll will ask the question if you have ever been unfaithful to your spouse. There wouldn’t be an issue with privacy. This will bring out the raw statistics for people to see.

Leighton

I seem to have exposed a few raw nerves when I mentioned the ‘other woman’ a few weeks ago, and how some women just can’t seem to get a man of their own. For some it’s by chance, as they’ll meet a man, fall for him, and then discover that he’s married. By then it’s too late, as she’s hopelessly in love with him and cannot break the ties that bind.

For others, though, they always seem to end up with married men, by choice, by design, on purpose, not by accident, but deliberately. It’s like they set out to let married men be their sole purpose in life, their raison d’etre, as the French say. And the French do know about love. Was it not they who advised, “By all means marry, but take unto yourself a lover.”

Well, in all endeavours there are specialists. Darwin had his theories of selective mutation and breeding, where species adapt perfectly to their environment in order to survive. Giraffes grew long necks in order to reach the choice leaves of the tallest trees for food, cheetahs developed great speed to catch the fast animals, eagles have extraordinary eyesight to spot prey from great distances and polar bears grew white fur to blend in with the snow and ice.

Even in economics, Adam Smith had his theories and recommendations for efficiency by job specialisation. Don’t try and do everything, but specialise and be good at what you do. That is the tenet for mistress material, for the same way that you have wife material that we hear so much about, there is also mistress material. Wife material we already know about, but what exactly is mistress material?

Naturally I had to go to the source, the professional mistresses themselves. Many of these ladies complained how all their lives they’ve always been mistresses and that only married men keep hitting on them. “I tell you, nine out of ten times if a man invites me out, he’s married. It’s like I have a sign on my forehead that says, mistress material.” But there is a sign, and even though it’s deep down in their psyche, married men can sniff it out, and know when to move in.

There has always been the old saying, “Some you have fun with and others you marry.” Well, the mistress material women don’t even know that they’re mistress material, so they complain bitterly about their lot in life, saying that they got a lot in life from men, but never ever got married. One day they wake up at age 50 and realise it, saying, “My gosh, not one man has ever asked me to marry him.” That’s because they’re mistress material.

In contrast, some women get married multiple times, and even though they may not work out and they get divorced, at least they know that they weren’t mistress material.

What are the qualities for mistress material? First, the woman has to have sex appeal, for sex is really why men take mistresses in the first place. Those who think that it’s for their intellect are grossly misguided. The wife is for duty sex, and the mistress is for duty-free sex. A man never knows when his wife is going to accept or reject his advances, but he sure knows that his mistress is never going to say no. She must have that positive quality, plus be a constant turn-on to him. The minute that changes, he changes his mistress.

A mistress always looks good when she knows her man is coming over, so he always sees her at the top of her game. No way will he see her in curlers, slippers, duster and with face cream on. Mistress material requires that the woman never nags but always soothes the man, whispers sweetness in his ears, listens as he unwinds and calms his spirit. “Ah, that’s why I like to come here, it’s always so peaceful.” That’s right, peace and tranquility must also be qualities of the mistress. Never have I heard a man complain to me about his mistress, but Lord, I keep hearing numerous complaints about wives.

A mistress always looks good when she knows her man is coming over, so he always sees her at the top of her game. No way will he see her in curlers, slippers, duster and with face cream on. Mistress material requires that the woman never nags but always soothes the man, whispers sweetness in his ears, listens as he unwinds and calms his spirit. “Ah, that’s why I like to come here, it’s always so peaceful.” That’s right, peace and tranquility must also be qualities of the mistress. Never have I heard a man complain to me about his mistress, but Lord, I keep hearing numerous complaints about wives.

The ability to party is also a prerequisite of the mistress. When the man calls and says, “Hey, get dressed, pick you up in an hour,” she doesn’t ask where, why or how, but just gets the ball rolling. She’s like a genie in a bottle, so he rubs the lamp and she appears and does his bidding. The trick is, a mistress must be his girlfriend forever. If ever she decides to take a quantum leap, shift her parameters and try to be like a wife, then it’s bye-bye, later for you, see ya.

Married men do not want two wives, they want a wife and a mistress. Maybe if more wives took on the qualities of mistresses there wouldn’t be a need for the man to have a mistress. Even so, another quality of the mistress is domestication, not of the man, but herself. She must be able to mask it, though, so that she doesn’t appear to turn into a wife. Everything must be in order, yes, but she must not be seen doing it.

Another quality of the mistress is that of loving her own company, for there are many times when the man is just not available for her, even on her special days. But when he does come, it’s fantastic, and those secret weekends or flights of fancy make it all worthwhile. Mistresses get to keep their name and have a freedom of choice, they tell me. “Hey, at least I don’t have to care for him when he gets sick, neither do I have to take his pickney to school.”

Although many may complain about their plight, there are some who relish the situation and wouldn’t have it any other way. “It carries no responsibility and shackles of a marriage, and frankly, I don’t have to see him every day,”

I have heard. I know women who have been mistresses for many years, outlasting many marriages. Some even have babies for the married men. Many hate the position they’re in though, and deep down would prefer a man of their own. But still, they never end up with a single man. “It’s like a curse, it’s like I’m doomed to be always a mistress, always a bridesmaid, never a bride,” one told me.

Hey, there’s an old saying that goes, “We always get the government we deserve and the partner we deserve.” If it’s your lot in life to be mistress material, then live with it, and stop whining about it.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Discipline is the foundation of success, and yet it’s so lacking in society. People still throw garbage from moving vehicles, people are still perennially late for appointments, people still embrace the mob mentality and have no respect for authority. Even some who should know better are advocating the overturning of authority. Some talk-show hosts are so guilty of this. Every country that succeeds has its basis in discipline; Japan, Germany, China, Singapore. And yet in most cases it’s not forced, but self-imposed. The people actually police themselves. Observe how martial arts schools, armies and successful business organisations function, through discipline. Take that away, ‘free up everything’ and society crumbles. Even ants walk in a straight line. Until we as a nation can embrace discipline as a tenet, there will be little hope for society.