One year and six months later, I am still searching for my Jean, Marcie or my Verona. Still nothing much has changed, the house still looks “like foreign” (so says my former housekeeper: The Klepto), still no radio or Flow cable television (Does Michael know I am a family friend, would it matter?). Oh yes, one small change because of “Klepto” I have lost at least 20 pounds, 18 pounds in towels, one pound in a watch and another pound in a diamond necklace… who knows what else took sides with her and walked out on me!

But nonetheless, let’s embark on finding the upside to doing your own housework (really the upside is overrated, but I do look fabulous with my zebra broom, feather duster, my six-inch Louboutins and my frilly French apron).

With the prices of cleaning products as much as any designer-inspired-made-in-China-Ralph Low-rent or a John Paul ‘Goat-tee-yeah’, and a few friends resorting to taking their plastic bottles and refilling at the market (It’s called sustainability, not poverty, who knew), I had to do something quickly and “sustainable”.

Step 1: Put wine to chill.

Step 2: Light favourite incense.

Step 3: Turn on music, obscenely loud and pretend this is the most fun you will ever have cutting… lemons/limes.

Countertops: Cut lemon in half, dip in baking soda, wipe with a wet sponge and dry. Don’t use on delicate stones, like marble, or on stainless steel.

Faucets: Get rid of lime scale by rubbing lemon juice onto the taps and let it sit overnight. Wipe with a damp cloth.

Grout: For coffee stains on tiled countertops: Add lemon juice to 1 or 2 teaspoons cream of tartar (available in packets at most supermarkets), to make a paste. Apply with a toothbrush, then rinse.

Laundry: For brighter whites, add 1/2 cup lemon juice to rinse cycle for a normal size load.

Plastic Food Containers: To remove stains left by tomato sauces, rub lemon juice on the spot, let dry in a sunny place, and then wash as usual.

Essential Oils

Scuffed Floors: Apply two to four drops tea-tree oil (quite easily available from a health food store or most spas) to the spot. Wipe excess oil with a cloth and rub in distilled white vinegar.

Gum: Orange oil from (health food store) is great for removing gum from most materials. Apply with cotton and launder immediately.

Toilets: Add 2 teaspoons tea-tree oil and 2 cups water to a spray bottle. Shake, and spritz inside toilet rim. Let sit for 30 minutes; scrub.

Liquid Castile Soap (Dr Bonner)

Available at health food stores, it is not exactly inexpensive but the small

portions needed for each task should make it cost-effective.

Car: Mix 1/2 cup liquid Castile soap in a full bucket of hot water. Rub a generous amount on exterior of car, windshield, hubcaps and tyres, using a large sponge, then hose off.

Floors: Perfect for any type of floor, mop with a solution of 1/2 cup liquid Castile soap and 2 gallons warm water. If floors are greasy, add distilled white vinegar to the water.

Leather Upholstery: Add 2 drops of liquid Castile soap to 1 quart warm water. Apply to leather with a barely moist sponge.

Marble countertops: Stir 1 tablespoon liquid Castile soap into 1 quart warm water. Dampen a cloth with the solution and wipe. Rinse, and then dry with a clean cloth.

Sinks, Showers, Tubs, and Ceramic Tile: Create a soft scrub by combining 1 tablespoon liquid Castile soap and 1/3 cup baking soda.

Stovetop and Vent Hood: Add a few squirts of liquid Castile to 2 cups hot water. Apply to the stovetop, the burners, and the vent hood to cut through accumulated grease.

Cooking oils

Cast-iron pans: Make a scrubbing paste with vegetable oil and a teaspoon coarse salt to remove cooked-on debris, and then rinse with hot water.

Hands: To remove paint from skin, rub with vegetable oil, then wash thoroughly

with soap.

Leather Shoes: Wipe away dirt with a damp sponge, then apply a drop of vegetable oil to a soft cloth and rub surface to remove scuff marks. Buff shoes with chamois or other soft dry cloth to shine.

Rattan and Wicker Furniture: To prevent rattan and wicker from drying out or cracking, lightly brush them with vegetable oil, gently rub in with a cloth. Warm the oil on stove first to thin it and make it easier to apply.

Stainless steel surfaces: For extra sparkle, pour olive oil onto cloth and buff.

Wood furniture: Make your own polish by mixing 2 cups vegetable oil with the juice of 1 lemon; work in with a soft cloth. To smooth scratches in light-coloured wood, rub them with a solution of equal parts olive or vegetable oil and lemon juice.

Vinegar

Coffeemaker: Pour equal parts vinegar and water into the machine’s water chamber, switch on brew cycle. Halfway through turn off the machine and let the solution sit for about an hour. Turn on again to complete cycle, then run several cycles

with clean water. Also works with electric kettles.

Drains: Clean drains by pouring vinegar down, then after 30 minutes flush with cold water.

Floors: Add 1/2 cup vinegar to a bucket of warm water to clean almost any floor except marble and wood.

Glassware: For spotless

hand-washed glasses, add 1 cup vinegar to rinse water.

Mouldy Walls: Spray vinegar on the affected areas. After 15 minutes, rinse and let dry thoroughly.

Showerheads: For mineral deposits, pour vinegar into a plastic grocery (scandal) bag and knot the handles over the neck of the showerhead, securing with rubber bands. Let soak overnight. Rinse with water in the morning.

Steam Iron: To get rid of mineral deposit, fill the iron with equal parts vinegar and water; press the steam button. Turn off, let cool. Empty and rinse.

Windows: Mix 1/2 cup vinegar, 2 cups water, and a squirt of liquid Castile soap in a spray bottle. Spritz windows and wipe with a sheet of newspaper (please, not my article).

Baking and Washing Soda

Can Opener: Dip a toothbrush in a paste of 2 tablespoons baking soda and 1 teaspoon water and use to dislodge gunk.

Garage and Concrete Floors: Pour washing soda generously on oil and grease spots and sprinkle with water until a paste forms. Let stand overnight. Scrub with a damp brush, hose down and wipe clean.

Stained Teacups and Coffee Mugs: Fill with 1 part baking soda and 2 parts water and soak overnight; rub with a sponge and rinse.

Upholstered Furniture: To remove odours, sprinkle baking soda on the fabric, then vacuum.

Scuffed Walls: Erase crayon marks by applying a baking soda paste (equal parts baking soda and water) to white painted walls.

Let dry before brushing it off with a clean cloth.

Toothpaste

Chrome Fixtures: To polish faucets and taps in the kitchen or bathroom, smear a small amount of toothpaste onto them, then buff with a soft cloth until no toothpaste residue remains.

Tarnished Silverware: Put a dab of toothpaste on a soft cloth, rub it onto the tarnish, then rinse with water and dry with a clean cloth.

Table Salt

Artificial Flowers: (Should never be bought, but if you must at least clean them). Place fake “blooms” inside a paper bag and pour in salt. Close the bag and shake vigorously, the salt will dislodge accumulated dust and dirt.

White Bread: Finally a healthy reason for white bread, dust an oil painting. Gently dab a slice of white bread over the surface to pick up dirt and grime.

Ketchup: Remove tarnish from copper and brass cookware. Squeeze ketchup onto a cloth and rub it on pots and pans. Rinse with warm water and dry with a towel.

Rice: Clean the inside of a vase or a thin-necked bottle. Fill three quarters of the container with warm water and add a tablespoon of uncooked rice. Cover, shake vigorously, and rinse.

Step 4: Arrange fresh flowers

Step 5: Drink wine

Embrace your inner Martha Stewart. Happy Spring cleaning!

— Acknowledgement:

Real Simple